The great sushi incident

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A simple gesture snowballed into a giant rice monster that threatened the Northeast Avalon until I ate it.

The tale starts at my sister-in-laws place in Halifax. As a surprise, our host hauled out a plate of vegetarian sushi for my expectant spouse, who is constantly craving sushi but avoids it because of the raw fish factor.

Wicked! my wife said after a single bite. Steve, you should try making that.

Yethsss, I nodded, an entire roll stuffed in my gob.

I had selfish reasons for agreeing. Im bonkers about sushi. Once a California or avocado roll touches the tastebuds, my mental playlist cues this song, http://tinyurl.com/3u9rtz.

Hear those lyrics? Cant stop addicted to the sushi, my mom says its gonna make me big, choose not any limitation, buffet with no reservation...

But I was having reservations about agreeing to make it.

Sister-in-law said it was easy and sent me a link (http://tinyurl.com/c3g3td) that teaches you how to roll your own.

I found almost everything I was looking for at the grocery store, including the seaweed, sushi rice, and a big bag of thick, dill pickle-flavoured Ruffles, which I promise the recipe called for.

The only thing the store didnt have was a bamboo rolling mat. So, I pulled a MacGruber (http://tinyurl.com/d4r9yk) and improvised with the same bamboo fishing poIe had as a 10-year-old.

After readying the rice, cutting the cucumber and axing the avocado, I followed the video and had things ready to roll. I turned it over slowly and gently, and kept repeating that. It grew into a hummer-sized white blob about 120,001,675 times bigger than it should be.

And perhaps it was just the natural contraction of the rice, but Id swear under oath that my sushi was breathing.

Luckily my wife was in the garden. If she saw Super Sushi, she would have been slasher movie frightened or delighted with the story she could tell.

Scared of my sushi and my wife seeing it, I went to the knife block and pulled out the one that most resembled a dagger. It started rolling towards me. I nervously raised my blade, drove it into the middle of the blob and continued cutting it into bits that didnt taste bad once doused in soya sauce. The cat helped by licking fragments off the floor. The kitchen was soon back to normal and the wife never suspected a thing.

A forensic investigation later uncovered my seaweed sheets should have been cut in half. Ill keep that in mind for the next sushi experiment, which wont be anytime soon. Im stuffed.

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  • Jen
    July 27, 2010 - 13:55

    HA! That really was a great story and it made me smile.
    Thanks Steve, you've brightened my day (I think I'll have some cucumber & avocado roll for supper)!