'Tattoo' leads to lapse in adulthood

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After 27 years of waiting anxiously, it finally happened last week.

A hair grew on top of my head! (And, bonus, it was a split end. So I parted it in the centre.)

OK, that's about as likely to occur as palm trees in Port aux Basques.

What actually, factually happened? Van Halen released a new song with original singer David Lee Roth.

I know, I know, Nepal's postal service means more to you than that.

But to me, it's all-caps HUGE.

I've loved Van Halen for over three decades, and during that period, have spent more time playing "Panama" and "Unchained" on air guitar than doing anything else, except breathing.

Van Halen has always been, in my correct opinion, the best band ... E.V.E.R.

Well, with Roth as their frontman they were.

With Sammy Hagar as their singer, Van Halen meant less to me than, well, Nepal's postal service.

Anyway, if you've ever been a fan of anyone or anything - even Culture Club, Clay Aiken or the Montreal Canadiens - humour me for another 373 words and try to imagine how excited it was to see a link to Van Halen's new song on Twitter last week.

This was something I had waited for since the band released "1984" in 1803. (Joking, Jan. 9, 1984).

I wore out the grooves on 1984, and eagerly waited for some kind of a follow-up.

But, before that happened, Roth quit, and Hagar joined.

I remained a fan of Eddie Van Halen's guitar virtuosity during the Van Hagar years, but never took to the new singer.

So, to get my Van Halen fix - my appetite for "Eruption" - I relied on old albums with Roth.

After 27 years of the old stuff, believe me, I was super hyped to hear new Van Halen music.

Sitting at my work computer - don't tell the boss - I pressed in my earphones and opened the link expecting to be blown away.

Sadly, listening to the song, titled "Tattoo," hurt more than getting body art on the butt cheek. (Want to see whether or not I've ever experienced that? Send a $100 bill in care of me to The Telegram, please.)

The expectation was for a crunchy, rockin' guitar riff and nonsensical lyrics, not a pop song with a collection of recycled guitar licks and a pretty chorus.

I was completely rotted, not rocked. It surprisingly put me in a sour mood.

But while driving home, I thought about "Tattoo" again and was actually happy with my reaction to it.

It'd been years since I've gotten ticked about a band or sports team or a movie - things that don't mean a row of beans in the big picture.

The lapse in adulthood was welcomed.

Feeling a little teen spirit because of it, I ran up the back steps two at a time when I got home.

I was primed to rock out and play some air guitar, but was quickly catapulted back to adulthood when I got inside.

On the counter lay the most un-teen like thing of all - the January $%^&! credit card statement.

Arrgh ... Did you know Nepal's General Post Office offers an on-line postbox service?

Steve Bartlett thinks Van Halen's "Unchained" is the greatest rock song ever recorded. What song do you rank as number one? Let Steve know via email at sbartlett@thetelegram.com or send him a tweet:@bartlett_steve.

 

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