Daylight freakin' savings time. I've lost an hour of precious sleep, but that means nothing to our little early riser.
He wants to get up and "go downstairs, where my cars are."
I want to stay in bed and roll over, but climbing in for a cuddle with his still groggy mom and dad is less appealing to the boy than broccoli - and he hates that veggie worse than politicians hate criticism.
"Wanna get up, wanna get up, wanna get up," he says loudly from his room.
Unsure if he's asking or demanding, I drag my tired butt out of bed and fetch the master and commander.
I put him in our bed and he starts his gymnastics.
So, I cave in, for everyone's safety, and take him downstairs.
He wants to watch "Mickey's new car."
The cartoon has 12 million views on YouTube, and he's responsible for at least 11 million of them.
I play the video, and then my head and body threaten job action if they don't get some coffee.
On autopilot - because manual systems are still hibernating - I pour in enough water and coffee for half a pot and return to watch Mickey Mouse wrestle with his new, pimped up sports car.
Although I'm sitting upright, I find myself fighting to stay awake (the very sensation you're feeling as you read this).
"Why is it so hard to wake up on weekend mornings?" I ask myself. "And this daylight saving time is just an added bonus today."
I doze off. Chin crashes against chest. Neck whips back up. It kinda hurts.
I think about being addicted to bean, and how pathetic being a java junkie is ... caffeine headaches, lining up for 17 hours during lunch as people order sandwiches, the cost, the stained teeth, being wired and awake at 3 a.m. ... the buzz. ... Oh, the buzz.
One day, I promise myself, I'm going to give coffee up.
But it won't be today, as I keep nodding off.
I NEED COFFEE STAT!
Sorry to be a spoiler, but at the end of "Mickey's New Car," Minnie picks up the Mickey in his old car, which I believe she found in the Buy & Sell.
The seven-minute, 31-second video is over, meaning the coffee should finally be brewed.
I scuff to a kitchen cupboard, grab a mug and go to the coffee maker to find the carafe ... EMPTY!
Cue the movie slow-mo and picture a chubby, bald guy in plaid PJ bottoms and a ratty Tely 10 T-shirt from 2001 yelling, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
I had forgotten to turn the coffee machine on. Perhaps I had hit "snooze" by mistake.
Steve Bartlett wishes the province would bring back double-daylight saving time. What an awesome summer 1988 was. Reach him via email at email@example.com or follow his Tweets at @SteveBartlett_