And now for the latest in maternity fashions...

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Pregnant women take maternity shopping very seriously.

This is one thing I recently uncovered using my crack journalistic skills.

I had little else to do while plopped in a chair outside a maternity store's fitting rooms for hours.

My wife and I are expecting our first child in September and she wanted comfortable clothing.

I offered to share the black track pants I bought at Wal-Mart eight years ago, but surprisingly, she declined.

So we went shopping.

Normally, I'd rather drop an anvil on my small toe than visit a women's clothing store. But with baby on the way, I wanted to be supportive and didn't hesitate to go along with my wife and her sister.

Entering the specialty shop, it was obvious this was going to be a maternity marathon and we were there for the long run.

My wife and her sibling slowly went from rack to rack to rack, oohing and oohing and oohing and aahing and aahing and aahing.

Me, I wandered aimlessly through the aisles, wondering what to do with myself and pondering deep questions like, Is there is a Tim's nearby? and What exactly is ShamWow! made of?

I also sized up what's hot in maternity fashions this spring and I'm proud to offer this advice you cannot go wrong with capri pants!

Eventually, I slipped into the electronics shop next door and got the testosterone levels back up by staring at iPhones and gigantic, but credit card thin, TVs.

Back at the maternity shop, my wife was in the fitting rooms.

Upon returning, I parked in the chairs across from the stalls.

It was impossible to get comfortable.

Mothers-to-be were going in and out, trying all kinds of stuff on and rubbing their hands over their baby bumps and other swelling body parts that begin with B.

Zoinks!

I stared at the floor and avoided all eye contact, looking up only when my wife asked for an opinion.

Which she did a lot, as she tried on everything in the shop, including, I think, something made of ShamWow!

Two hours later, we left with bags and bags of stuff.

I was sad to be finished, of course, but my wife was pleased and relieved, and I was happy she was happy.

It also gives me great pleasure to inform you 324 pieces of hardwood were used on the floor of the waiting area.

I'm not sure if it was maple or birch, however.

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