The closest Ill ever come to hoisting the Stanley Cup in victory is snapping a guy named Stans athletic supporter after a beer league win. My hockey skills are so desperate Ive been dropped from teams that never had enough players. Still, Ive had millions of fantasies about winning a do or die game, throwing the Stanley Cup over my head and yelling like the guy who discovered fermentation. As the Penguins and Red Wings prepare to live that dream, its time to break out a new contraption that permits me to travel to another dimension and get answers to What if questions. (I got it off He-Bay, a site for 40-plus male dreamers.) I type the following into the interface: What if I won the Stanley Cup and brought it home like Dan Cleary (http://tinyurl.com/mntwwo)? Aahhhhh! Theres a strange yell that sounds like its coming from a 41-year-old strapped in the chair of a demented dentist who has had 47 too many. WHOMP! We're in another dimension. Its 8 p.m. Friday and Ive just won the Cup as a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs (I know, the What if contraption was more believable). From the airport, Steve and Stanleys excellent adventure begins... 8:26 Cod bite special at Chess. Eaten from Cup, liberally smothered in gravy and tartar sauce. 9:19 Signal Hill. Heads peep over backseats. 10:03 Lotties. Drink White Russians out of Cup. 11:07 OReillys. Guinnesses. 11:36 Cotton Club. Cup dance. 1:14 Drunk guy hits on Stanley at Sundance. 2:38 Get slice of pizza. Wait 20 minutes for cab. 3:13 Go to bed. Spoon Stanley. Noon Cup overflowth with pea soup and dumplings at Big Stop. 3:30 Stanley deeply dented during parade as convertible hits pot hole and Cup falls out, smacking off Water Street. Street guy asks if he can have cup to collect change in. 3:43 Nellies bartender pours pints in dent. 4:00 Stumble at top of court house steps and drop Stanley. Cup tumbles clank-clank to Water Street and rolls down Bairds Cove into harbour. 4:00:03 Cup disintegrates. Im headed for Hockey Hall of Shame. Zoinks! Back to reality, where Ill settle for my place in hockey and blogging the Hall of Lame.
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