I flunked the eye exam. The optometrist said I was near-sighted and prescribed glasses.
The woman who fitted me for the specs couldn't believe it was a first-time prescription. She excitedly promised me life would be clearer once I hung the frames from my ears.
That was awesome and welcome news, because there are a host of things I need to understand more clearly.
Like, how can the price of 50-inch TVs plummet so quickly?
Why is Kim Kardashian even remotely famous?
And how do cities and towns determine snowclearing priorities?
Why, from a diaper-changing point of view, do I continue feeding my two-year-old blueberries, even though I fully realize it is a bad, bad idea?
Why is putting up outdoor Christmas lights so darned frustrating?
How come salt beef is so magically delicious but so horribly bad for your health?
Why does Sidney Crosby have so much freakin' hockey talent?
Why don't more people working in retail go ape poop on rude, impatient, over-demanding customers at this time of year?
Why do a lot of Newfoundlanders hate to see their neighbours get ahead?
Why, with the price of gas well over $1.20 per litre for so long, don't more people take the Metrobus?
How does The Once make such big sounds with just three people?
Why does simply passing the Golden Arches make me gain weight?
Why are studded tires so loud?
What should I get my wife for Christmas? Better still, what to get my mother?
How come Jake hasn't missed an episode of "The Republic of Doyle" due to concussion-like symptoms? (The guy gets knocked in the noggin a lot.)
Why is the Newfoundland fishery so complicated?
Where should the Christmas tree go this year? And why do some people have their trees up already?
Will this European debt stuff burst our booming economic bubble?
Why is no one developing the Southside Hills? (It would certainly take a lot of pressure off the downtown.)
How come I actually enjoyed Nickelback's half-time performance at the Grey Cup? (I've never been a fan.)
Why is parking close to the door so important for shoppers? (A little walk might ease some of their obvious stress.)
Why is it newsworthy that a pregnant Beyoncé took 14 bathroom breaks during her husband's concert?
Why do so many international Twitter users continue to note, "There's a place in Newfoundland called Dildo"?
Where do blogs come from?
The new specs will be ready later this week. Clarity on such questions is probably not what the optical shop woman meant, but once the glasses are on, I guess we'll see.
Steve Bartlett has lots of questions, but few answers. Post things you'd like to understand more clearly in the comments section below. Email Steve at email@example.com. Reach him on Twitter @bartlett_steve.