Fact, fiction and foolishness on a recent incident at a Corner Brook pizzeria:
FACT: I walked into What A Pizza! (the name of the shop) unannounced and asked the owner, Demetre Andreou, to show me how to flip pizza dough high in the air.
FICTION: He thought I had been drinking.
FACT: I entered the pizzeria with my brother-in-law, a regular customer. We had not consumed any alcohol at this point.
FICTION: Mick Jagger was sitting down eating a vegetarian calzone - short for "calorie zone," right? - while we visited.
FACT: There's a pizza box hanging on the wall signed by Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith. According to Andreou, they stopped there to eat in the wee hours of the morning after playing the Salmon Festival in Grand Falls-Windsor this past July. He says it was pretty cool to have them sitting there by the window, looking out over Broadway and chatting about all sorts of things as they scarfed down a pizza. Andreou says they were down-to-earth guys.
OPINION: "Dude (Looks Like A Lady)" is really about Tyler.
FACT: I am a pizza junkie.
FACT: My waistline is proof.
FICTION: Switching to vegetarian pizza with a whole-wheat crust will help you lose weight.
FACT: I make pizza from scratch almost every week, mostly for my family but sometimes for guests. I always thought it'd be cool to flip dough in the air to feel more authentic and impress guests.
FACT: Once, while trying to impress guests, I sneezed in a huge vegetable tray while I stood holding it in the middle of the packed room. I held it with two hands and could not cover my nose. The guests erupted in laughter.
FICTION: I served the veggie tray anyway.
FACT: I am digressing.
FACT: After we watched him make part of our order, Andreou motioned me behind the counter to teach me how to flip pizza dough high in the air. His directions: make two fists and place them five or six inches apart. With dough on top of your dukes, flick the dough in the air by twisting your fists. Doing so makes the dough stretch evenly.
FICTION: It went perfect the first time.
FACT: Andreou stepped away from me during my inaugural attempt.
FACT: I managed to lift the dough about three inches off my fists before it tore and looked like the ghostface from the "Scream" movies.
OPINION: Neve Campbell is the best part of the "Scream" movies.
FICTION: I balled up the hole-filled dough and made a great big touton.
FACT: Once it tore, Andreou threw it away.
FACT: He gave me a second shot.
FICTION: This one went perfectly, Andreou, who's of Greek origin and is from a family of pizza chefs, declared me a natural and offered me his restaurant.
FACT: My second shot was about as pathetic as the first. It was the dough to nowhere. Two unimpressive flips and it tore like Jordache jeans worn to gym class.
FACT: I was so disappointed and crusty with my second dough-tossing attempt, I Roy Halladay-ed the dough towards the door, clocking my brother-in-law in the face by mistake. When my ruins hits his eye like a big-a pizza pie, that's a war, eh? The place went up.
FACT: The above sentence was fiction. No humans, or animals, were injured in the news-gathering process for this column.
FACT: I decided to quit while I was ahead, and concentrate on what I do better than anyone else this entire planet - eat pizza.
FICTION: I only had one slice.
If you visit What A Pizza! tell them Steven (Tyler, not Bartlett) sent you. Reach Steve B at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow his tweetza: @SteveBartlett_