What if Newfoundland had a TMZ-style television show, a co-worker recently mused.
The thought ignited my imagination, which burned, crackled and (sadly) smelled like a blasty bow.
The result: welcome to the first episode of TMSteve, a tongue-in-cheek takeoff all meant in jest ...
HOST (with bottle of George Street Spiced in hand): Whadda we got today, b'ys?
REPORTER: Alan Doyle at #yyt.
A clip rolls of the Great Big Sea frontman at the airport collecting his luggage, which includes a guitar case with an "Orca" sticker.
The voice from behind the camera says, "Hey, Alan, is it true your new buddy Will Smith is coming to shoot a pilot for "Fresh Prince of Belle Isle"?
Doyle shakes his mane and jokes, "No, he's coming to film 'Bad Buoys II.'"
The clip fades, and then we go back to the newsroom.
HOST (slightly sagging from rum consumption): Anything else or wha?
REPORTER: We've got Lorraine Michael going to choir practice.
Footage of the NDP leader entering a practice space is shown.
A voice asks, "What song are you rehearsing to tonight?"
To that Michael replies, "I'm not sure, but it won't be 'Muskrat Love.'"
Back to the newsroom.
REPORTER: How about Doc O'Keefe traipsing down Topsail Road, waving at everyone?
A clip is shown of the St. John's mayor waving at everyone like he's Santa or the Queen.
The reporter asks, "Wazzup, Doc?"
O'Keefe waves and the reporter asks, "Does anyone ever flip you the bird?"
He stops for a second and mumbles, "the occasional Mount Pearlian."
The show goes back to the newsroom.
The host is slumping even more. "Did we have anything else?" he asks with a slight slur.
REPORTER: We've got Erin Sulley getting groceries.
There is footage shown of her in the produce aisle.
"Hey Erin," says the reporter. "What's the most challenging part of The Telegram panel?"
"Maintaining enough makeup to dim the shine off Steve Bartlett's head," she quips with zero hesitation.
Back to the newsroom again.
REPORTER: We've got Allan Hawco walking out of Ches's.
The footage rolls and shows "Republic of Doyle" star rubbing his belly in an "I'm satisfied" kind of way.
A voice remarks, "Not planning on showing your abs this season, hey."
To that, Hawco says, "Oh yeah, oh yeeeaah, oh yeaaah, ee-yeeeaahhh, yeah yeah yeah."
He confronts the reporter and throws a punch. The journalist hits back and the actor says, "Ow."
This happens three times and Hawco's "Ow" gets louder with each.
The show switches to the newsroom, and reporters are wondering if that was from an actual "Republic of Doyle" episode.
HOST (with head now down on table and empty bottle in front of him): Get on with 'er. We gotta have something better than this stuff.
REPORTER: Well, how about the entire Tory caucus leaving Always In Vogue wearing fur scarves.
A clip of the politicians rolls and they are all smiling and joking, until the reporter off-screen says, "What's that around your neck, Muskr..?"
There is some sort of scuffle and the camera fades to black.
Steve Bartlett wants to hear your local TMZ-style spoofs. Leave it in the comment box below, email email@example.com or send a tweet to @SteveBartlett_