Bono bein' a snot.
I just love certain movie and television awards shows, but the Golden Globes is my fave. All the stars get nice and drunk, and the whole thing isn't as stiff and rigid and snotty as, say, the Oscars. And with Twitter, you can sit on your couch at home, get as tipsy as the stars, and it's almost like you're hanging out with lots of other tipsy people who are home on their own couches - one eye on the TV, the other on the Twitter.
One valuable lesson here - once you surpass the point of being playfully buzzed and reach full-on drunkenness, it's time to abandon Twitter. You don't wanna be tweeting tweets that you think are hilarious at the time, but the next day are full of spelling errors and are not at all funny.
A big perk this year (like last) is that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were the hosts. These girls are da bomb. Lovely and sassy, they kept the show moving at a partying pace. They came on stage and were like, "Come party with us, everybody!"
Usually there are like two or three entertaining moments in any given awards show, but this one was record. Jam-packed with Hollywood drunkenness and brilliant one-liner quips from our hosts. This may even be the drunkest Golden Globes I've ever seen. Even the camera work reminded me of myself in early university, standing in front of my parents, pretending I wasn't healthily buzzed. Every now and then there'd be a quick dive, or a wobble or an, "Ooopsie! Didn't mean to turn on the camera just then! Silly Jager-bomb."
Although there were lots, here are a few of my favourite quotes and moments from the 2014 Golden Globe Awards (in no particular order):
1. During Tina and Amy's opening monologue, they're talking up all the nominees, including Julia Louis Dreyfuss, who they noted was sitting in the lofty "film" section. "Hey Julia! Remember us? We know you from TV!" Cut to JLD, who is sitting with Reese Witherspoon, sporting elephant-size sunglasses and smoking a Greta Garbo-sized e-cigarette. When Reese tries to take a selfie of the two of them together, JLD sweeps her to the side. Later in the show, when she's drunk and slovenly, she is shown in the TV section wolfing down a Cliff Huxtable-size hoagie.
2. "And now, like a supermodel's vagina, let's all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio!" - Tina Fey. POW! Did phase Leo though, did it? He knows it's true. I saw him sizing up every woman who walked across that stage.
3. "Gravity. It's the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age." - Tina Fey.
4. "Masters of Sex. Is the degree I got from Boston College," a smug Amy Poehler says followed by high fives from buddy Tina.
5. "As my mother used to say, 'Go to hell and don't come back." - Jacqueline Bisset, a space cadet who drank everything on her table before swaggering up to the stage.
6. When the lead singer of Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes (Alex Ebert) flew down from outer space and took a break from smoking doobies in the bathroom to accept his award for Best Original Score for 'All Is Lost'. "Even the most deft pen is a clumsy tool and yet we still tried for magic and thanks for letting me try all over your movie," he said to director J.C. Chandor. O-K....
7. When Sean Coombs presented three awards, and tried to steal the spotlight every time. Man, if I were at the Globes, I'd wanna be partying with Diddy. He was ON. THE. GO. "Just keep drinkin', it'll all be over soon OK?" He said, after speech-bombing both Alex Ebert and Bono. "Man, this guy was just partying with me in St. Bart's and now here he is!" he jubilantly declared about Ebert, after sidling up behind him and inexplicably unbuttoning his jacket. While Ebert seemed like he couldn't wait to rub on some velour wallpaper with Diddy at one of the after-parties, Bono was much less impressed. Diddy was disrespecting his desire to change the world, and was visibly pissed at Did's attempt to joyously embrace him. I mean, sure - Bono is a sunglasses-ed, Irish saviour and all, but come on! In the Name of Love, give Puffy a hug for God sakes!
8. When Amy Poehler dressed up as Tina Fey's fully grown son from a previous relationship. Poehler's execution of a pissed-off post-adolescent who wanted no part of being Mr. Golden Globe alongside Kevin Bacon's daughter was flawless. I felt like I'd just done 100 crunches by the time the bit was over. My leftover mascara filled the wrinkles under my eyes like the clay of the River Jordan. "Is this him?" Amy said, standing next to Idris Elba, wondering if he's her father. It couldn't have been more Golden.
9. Emma Thompson presenting an award. Next to Bisset, Thompson had to have been the drunkest actress at the ball. Shoes off and in one hand, a martini in the other, she swaggered across the stage like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. She also looked exactly like Sharon Stone, for some reason.
10. When my partner/unofficial husband/whatever-he-is began getting riled up over how hot Emma Thompson is, I glared at him in extreme bewilderment, horror and disgust. Emma Thompson is a wonderful actress and a fine-looking woman, but there was something disturbing about my partner having a thing for her. Did I look like Emma Thompson? Until we determined that he was actually talking about Emma WATSON. I felt strangely relieved once this little kerfuffle was cleared up.
And so begins another awards season! The one somewhat productive thing that came out of last night was that I now have a list of movies to catch up on before the Oscars, so that I feel confident I'll get my return when I throw in $10 ($20, tops) to some pool. Good times.