I Hate Newfoundland.

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In an earlier post, from back in early November, I wrote about how I was in a bit of a funk.


I was so young and stupid back then – thinking I had it bad. Now, over four months later and after a ridiculous amount of snow and colder temperatures (record colder temperatures, perhaps? Snodden? Eddie Sheer? Back me up here, wouldja?), my skin is sallow, I have circles blacker than the midnight sky under my eyes, and I feel like I have eternal PMS. Ahhhhh, one of the wonderful things about living in this wonderful, terrible place.


So I decided to look back at this foolishly optimistic list and update it from my current jaded and much angrier point of view.




I've been in a bitter depression for what seems like a long time. I feel like punching the wall, and then jumping on a plane to Costa Rica, where I would give the finger to the land below me as I jetted away to live in a grass hut and do nothing but dangle my feet in a pristine pool of water and pick coconuts off the trees and pet the little forest monkeys all day long for the rest of my life. My daughter would grow up wearing no clothes or shoes (which she would love because she hates getting dressed and wearing socks). It would be grand.


People get into funks for all sorts of reasons...they're feeling tired of the same old routine, they don't like daylight savings time, they're bored with their husbands, they're stressed at work, or they live in a lonely and cold Godforsaken island where the streets aren't plowed and it's perilous to go for a walk to get a bit of Vitamin D (for those who aren't familiar, it's the vitamin that's necessary to evoke the feeling of happiness in a person). That last reason, I'm pretty sure, is the reason that everyone who lives in the beautiful, hateful province of Newfoundland and Labrador is ready to burn our flag right about now. At least burning our flag would generate a bit of heat.


And colder temps than ever, AND these rolling blackouts?! Yes, b'y. Shag it all.


If I'm not wined up, I'm even more wined up, if you know what I'm saying. I bark things at my house-mate (the big hairy one, not the cute little one). I'm not very nice to be around a lot of the time, I know it.


So here is an updated list of things I've been doing in a weak attempt to stay sane and avoid pulling up outside CBC or NTV and beating Ryan Snodden or Eddie Sheerr with my ice scraper (sorry you guys - I know you don't make up the weather, but Mother Nature conveniently lives in some other plane of reality so is as inaccessible as former premier Kathy Dunderdale in these desperate times).


1. Attend some hard core boot camp and kick boxing classes. I've been doing some decent boot camp classes at the Y, which does help with the anger and resentment we hold for this awful season. The last few times at boot camp, the deadly instructor set up this man dummy and we got to kick him in the chest a bunch of times, and then punch a punching-bag-type thing. It was awesome and cathartic. I'm currently searching for some good kick boxing classes. I have a lead, so will let you know how that pans out.

2. Listen to angry music. Like Guns n' Roses' Get in the Ring, or AC/DC's Highway to Hell. We're already in hell, so we should be able to relate to that one.

3. Watch some shows or movies that point out how terrible life can be. We get together with some friends every week or two, and watch a movie. Leading up to the Oscars, we decided to try and see as many of the nominated films as possible. So we saw such movies as 12 Years a Slave, Dallas Buyers' Club, August Osage-County, Captain Phillips, Nebraska, Frozen, Her (amazing frigging movie), and I'm sure there are others that I'm forgetting. These movies are all fairly depressing (even Frozen, in that they live in a world that is always winter – just like us!). So in addition to watching these sad and disturbing films, and commiserating our poor, depressing lives, they also remind us that it could be a whole lot worse than it is. Seriously. I just finished watching True Detective and it is truly poignant. It is also very depressing, and while it will most definitely disturb you, it will also make you bless the life you have. A shitty winter really isn't THAT bad.


4. Read a funny book. While doing angering things is somewhat satisfying, you've got to throw some fun things in too. So right now I'm reading Chelsea Handler's new book, Uganda Be Kidding Me. She is a very funny woman, and I love her. Her other books will make you guffaw to a satisfying degree – in particular, Chelsea Chelsea, Bang Bang. Other funny and satisfying reads include Tina Fey's “Bossypants”, Kelly Oxford's “Everything Is Perfect If You're a Liar”, or Kevin Nealon's “Yes, You're Pregnant, But What About Me?”.


5Stock up on whiskey. Drinking hard core booze is what our ancestors did to stop from killing themselves, so who are we to mess with tradition? A shot of that stuff warms you up right quick, I guarantee it.


6. Get in the tub and browse Twitter until you shrivel like the prunes your nan used to tell you were good for making you go to the bathroom (repeat from my original post). One thing social media is great for is turning your mind into a blank slate, if that's what you want. It can also switch your brain on and make you think, if you want it to. It all depends on which links you click. There could be a scholarly, exploratory essay on Mayor Rob Ford's slovenly drug-smoking, or a little blurb on Drew Barrymore's latest pregnancy. You can choose to enrich your mind, or empty it, but either way, your mind is not focusing on whatever is stressing you out.


7Buy a little something for yourself. Some good suggestions include wine, whiskey, Guinness, or wine. Or if you're at Costco, for example, and have a cute baby in your life, pick up one of the adorable summer outfits they have there for just $7.99, and hope to God that she'll get to wear it.


8Hang out with some wicked girlfriends (this one also holds out from the original post). If you're anything like me, you're more liable to dress up for your girlfriends than any man. Now, before you men get your pee hot, hear me out: We're just a lot more likely to receive appreciation from our lady friends, I'm sorry to say. They appreciate the work and planning that goes into a fierce outfit. Guys don't give a fluff about anything women wear. They'd rather you be brazen-arsed nakid. So anyway. Drinking wine and lots of it, having most excellent conversations that connect you with others of your kind and make you realize that you're normal, will revamp your spirit. Case-in-point: I hung out with some deadly friends this past weekend and guess what...two of them ended up going home and banging their husbands afterwards! You know who you are, ya saucy minxes. So guys, you really should be encouraging us to get together all the time. I've always believed that the Lorena Bobbitts and Brynn Hartmans of the world didn't have a solid group of girlfriends to whom they could vent. If it weren't for girlfriends, we'd all end up murdering our significant others at some point. Either that, or we'd "accidentally" end up shooting them in the woods while hunting together, or we'd just lop off their penis. So fellas - there's also that reason for wanting us to hang with our girlfriends. That said, women are really good at bitching when they get together. Sometimes, it makes us feel better to complain about things. So guys, you should be happy that we have our friends to vent to, otherwise, you'd be screwed and we'd make your lives even more miserable. Love you! :)


9Drink wine, and lots of it (another one that survived from the original post, because this stands no matter what time of year it is). Even if it's not with a group of girlfriends, my God, there's nothing like that red wine glow, is there? After a stressful day, that first sip trickles down through your veins and warms up your whole body. Your cheeks get all rosy and you feel like someone has wrapped you in an electric blanket and is hugging you all night long. Maybe this deep infatuation with an alcoholic beverage is known as appreciation for fine wine, maybe it's alcoholism – I'm not sure. But red wine is my personal poison and saviour. Yours might be a giant glass of vodka, a dirty rum and coke, a Wildberry Cooler, a Pepsi, I don't know. But whatever it is, treat yourself every once in a while (every day, or several times a day, if necessary).


10. Eat a lot of chocolate. Just don't eat so much that it lowers your self-esteem. Been there. Guilty as charged. Show some restraint. Then again, maybe it's a good idea to put on an extra layer of blubber to last us through these power outages, so notch that last bit of advice – eat up and don't feel bad in the slightest!

    12Do a yoga class. For the hour that you're in that room, you can pretend you're practicing on a beach or in your grass hut in Costa Rica. Melanie's Core Flow class at Nova Yoga, is an hour of heat for me on most Tuesday evenings.


    13Snuggle your baby or puppy (again – left over from the original post, and holds true any time of the year). If you're lucky enough to have either one of these critters in your life, give them a snuggle, play with them, or just watch them roll around on the floor. It will put a smile on your face. What problems do they have? None, for God sakes. They have someone to prepare all of their meals, do all their laundry, carry them around whenever they don't feel like walking, and even wipe their arses. They don't have to work or worry about money or gaining weight or improving their relationships. No wonder they don't have wrinkles and are always smiling! Their carefree-ness and just darn cuteness will lift your spirits.


    One last bonus tip – watch this Rick Mercer video. We can all relate.


    Now, let's all hope that when Dannyville gets built that it will have a big dome over it that makes it warm all year. Of course, because the island doesn't have the power to handle that, we may have no electricity for half of the year, but at least it's something.

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