Chris Hemsworth and Natalie Portman star in “Thor,” opening this weekend. There’s no doubt they make a pretty couple, but we’re thinking Portman could do better. Nothing against Hemsworth. And nothing against Thor, either. (You’d be hard-pressed to find something better than a gorgeous Norse god to bring home to meet the parents.) It’s Thor’s superhero cred that has us worried. Secretive, workaholic, dubious dressers: superheroes are terrible boyfriend — or girlfriend — material. Here are some reasons why you should never date one.
(Ninja Turtles: “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” 1990)
For your first few dates, everything will seem totally tubular. You’ve found a guy who’s good at what he does, but still finds time to rock ’n’ roll all night and pizza-party every day. Then, he takes you back to his place. Which is in a sewer. And is shared with four roommates — one of whom is an elderly rodent he calls daddy.
Afraid of commitment
(Superman: “Superman Returns,” 2006)
What guy isn’t? Am I right? Seriously, though, if a superhero runs away from your relationship, he’s super serious about getting away from you. When Superman (Brandon Routh) needed some space from Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth), he didn’t just crash on his buddy’s couch for a few days — he flew to his home planet and didn’t come back for five years. Oh, and did we mention that while he was gone, Lois Lane gave birth to his child? So not only is Superman a commitment-phobe, he’s also a deadbeat dad.
Way too kinky
(Spider-Man: “Spider-Man,” 2002)
Oh, sure, the first time you encounter Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire) on the street and he’s saving you from thugs, who wouldn’t get caught up in the moment and enjoy a little upside-down kissing action? But as time goes by, Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) discovers regular-side-up kissing just doesn’t seem that special anymore. Can’t a girl just get a nice, normal kiss from a guy who’s not hanging from a spider web? Even worse, Spider-Man’s topsy-turvy shtick isn’t saved only for Mary Jane. Two sequels later, he pulls the same move on Gwen Stacy (Bryce Dallas Howard). Jerk.
Probably not human
(Hellboy: “Hellboy,” 2004)
Ever wonder why superheroes can do crazy stuff regular people can’t? It’s because they’re not regular people. They’re not even people-people half the time. Take Hellboy: he’s actually a demon. (You know, in case the soup-can-sized horns didn’t already tip you off.) Being a kick-ass beastie with supernatural powers is great if you’re trying to protect mankind from occultist Nazis. However, it probably isn’t the best situation for him and his lady-friend Liz (Selma Blair). Do marriage licences include a check-box for “species?”
Just not that into you (or humanity in general)
(Dr. Manhattan: “Watchmen,” 2009)
Sure, Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup) has got some crazy, godlike superpowers that have benefitted mankind. But he can also be a total jerk sometimes. He disappears to Mars, abandoning his girlfriend (and the U.S. government, so that Russia can invade Afghanistan). He might say his inability to experience time in a linear fashion makes him “emotionally detached.” We say shenanigans.
Dangerously bad kissers
(Rogue: “X-Men,” 2000)
Usually, saying a girl’s kisses could knock you out would be taken as a corny compliment. For Rogue (Anna Paquin) it’s the literal truth. One kiss put her first boyfriend in a coma. You’ve got to wonder, though, what would be more traumatic for a teenager? A life without make-outs or putting some dude in the hospital?
(G-Girl: “My Super Ex-Girlfriend,” 2006)
With great power comes great responsibility, but not all superheroes take that responsibility seriously. Matt (Luke Wilson) learns that the hard way when he begins dating Jenny (Uma Thurman) who, unbeknownst to Matt, is actually beloved superheroine G-Girl. When Matt can’t handle Jenny’s super-neuroses, he breaks off their relationship — and Jenny proceeds to make his life a living hell by destroying his car, punching a hole through his roof and, oh yeah, throwing a live shark through his living-room window. We sure hope no crimes were taking place while Jenny was seeking revenge.
Won’t respect your space
(Batman: “The Dark Knight,” 2008)
Superheroes aren’t just bad boyfriend material, they’re bad ex-boyfriend material. In “The Dark Knight,” Batman’s alter-ego Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) has some vague understanding that his ex Rachel Dawson (Maggie Gyllenhaal) is now dating Gotham D.A. Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart), but that doesn’t stop Bruce from mooning over her, forcing her into uncomfortable conversations about their non-relationship and assuming they’ll eventually get back together. You know what happens when you assume, Bruce? The Joker kidnaps your sweetie-pie and blows her up.
(The Hulk: “The Hulk,” 2008)
Sure, you like him now: he’s kinda cute (Ed Norton), he’s sensitive, he’s probably got university tenure. But you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Nobody wants to hang out with a dude with rage issues. It’s as embarrassing as the fact he’s perpetually wandering around in cut-off denim shorts.
They put your life in danger
(All Superheroes: Every Superhero movie ever)
“Oh, don’t worry, honey, I have a secret identity; none of my enemies will ever come after you.” Yeah, we’ve heard that one before. Yet every superhero’s significant other has had at least one bad interaction with an arch-villain, whether it’s Dr. Octopus holding Mary-Jane hostage, Lex Luthor imprisoning Lois Lane on his yacht or The Joker tossing Rachel Dawson out of a highrise building. And guess what? Even if you’re just friends with a superhero — and even if you have super powers yourself — you’re not safe. Just ask teenage Rogue how she fared against Magneto when he kidnapped her in X-Men.