The perfect candidate

Peter
Peter Jackson
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Today, citizens of this fine community will choose who they want to guide their town for the next four years. Allow me to present myself as the perfect candidate for the job.

Why should you vote for me?

I was born here.

Not only was I born here, but my five children were born here, as well as my wife, Maisie, and our dog, Scooter. In fact, all of my dogs were born here, in our shed out back. The children were born in the local clinic, which was built from timber I cut myself within town limits.

Today, citizens of this fine community will choose who they want to guide their town for the next four years. Allow me to present myself as the perfect candidate for the job.

Why should you vote for me?

I was born here.

Not only was I born here, but my five children were born here, as well as my wife, Maisie, and our dog, Scooter. In fact, all of my dogs were born here, in our shed out back. The children were born in the local clinic, which was built from timber I cut myself within town limits.

My ancestors were born here, and their ancestors before them. And their ancestors wished they were born here, if only the town had existed then.

I've lived in this town all my life, except for six months when I lived in Toronto. I hate Toronto.

I live and breathe this community. And that's why I'm running on a platform of change.

I believe in change, and I think I can bring fresh, new ideas to this town. Because some people have become too entrenched in the old ways. We need an infusion of new blood.

And speaking of new blood, young people are the future of our town. They represent our hopes and dreams. We owe them a bright future, a solid education and adequate recreational facilities. They are the future pillars of our community.

And speaking of pillars, I think seniors deserve a break. That's why I'm promoting discounts and better services for seniors. I strongly support rezoning the town's ballpark to build a new seniors' complex. We also need a curfew, so rowdy teenagers aren't out disturbing the peace.

I have a vision for this town. And in my vision, I see bulldozers.

Our town needs money to build facilities for our citizens. We need development, and we must attract new business. We must send a positive message to developers, to say, "We're open for business." We want them to develop attractive lots that will help beautify our town. Because our town is beautiful, and that's what attracts people to it.

That's why I think the environment is the most important issue facing us today. We should preserve our scenery and our ecosystems. We should protect them passionately, because there are those who don't care about them, and just want to destroy them for their own personal gain.

So, that's why change is not always good. We should preserve the heritage of our town. We need to protect what's important to us - and our quiet, rural lifestyle is important.

Therefore, I will continue to lobby for a natural heritage park with indoor and outdoor displays, as well as fun rides, concessions and RV facilities. We must reclaim the provincial wilderness reserve for this important purpose. Because that is our land, and we want it back!

In conclusion, dear citizens, I want you to know that I intend to speak for you, and you alone. Because I'm a family man, just like you. And my family is the most important thing to me. I listen to their advice, and theirs alone. I also listen to my financial adviser.

So, if you believe in heritage, I'm your man. Because change is important. We must promote growth and development if we are to ensure the environment always comes first.

We can accomplish all our dreams by coming together and working as one, but only if the right people get elected.

Will my vision come true?

Yes we can!

Peter Jackson is The Telegram's commentary editor. He can be contacted at pjackson@thetelegram.com.

Geographic location: Toronto

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Comments

Comments

Recent comments

  • Mark
    July 02, 2010 - 13:31

    Classic.

  • Stan
    July 02, 2010 - 13:28

    not a bad piece of satire...for the telegram. i wonder if any of our hospitals were built out of local logs cut within town limits??

  • Mr. Juanabee
    July 02, 2010 - 13:27

    To Lynn, Donna, Anita, Lori, and especially poor, poor misguided 'from', you have completely missed the point of this editorial. Go get a sense of humor, and try reading it again.

    When will people learn these puppy mills do a huge disservice to the breeds... Ha Ha Ha Haaaa!!!!!!!

  • Lori
    July 02, 2010 - 13:26

    I think Sarah Palin wrote this... or Peter Jackson could give her a run for her money. :)

  • Lynn
    July 02, 2010 - 13:26

    Wonder if Mr. Jackson's opponents were given the opportunity to write a full-length column in The Telegram, explaining why people should vote for THEM? I think not. Shame on him, and shame on the Telegram for allowing this farce.

  • Pete
    July 02, 2010 - 13:24

    Subtle satire aside, you write a good column - but you would be offended with only flattery....so.....

    This edition reads more like a screenplay for a Jimmy Stewart movie - Wonderful Life II?

    How would one pay for all this? Double the taxes but give seniors a discount? Not such an exaggeration? I have yet to see where any Municipality, even with George Bailey as Mayor, has a constitutional right to Tax anyone? BNA Act, says only Ottawa and the Provinces have the right to Direct Taxation. Public Utilities and fees for services only?

    Municipalities, more than just their communities, need role players more like Harrison Ford characters or those played by Jimmy's contemporary Robert Mitchum. A California town elected Clint Eastwood for Mayor, but that was too much, they ended up with Arnold as Governor!

  • DeeBee
    July 02, 2010 - 13:23

    Priceless! Peter, I think you summed up the positions of all the candidates quite nicely. I'd definitely vote for you... you have so much 'vision' and know exactly what we all need. The other candidates don't stand a chance...!

  • HaHa!
    July 02, 2010 - 13:22

    Thank you Robert for pointing out the obvious! And I'm sorry for the others who missed that this was meant to be a comic piece.
    Sadly, after carefully following the election this entire article hits way too close to home and nearly mirrors some of the platforms that I watched throughout the city.
    God help us, the environment, the future growth of the city and towns, the businesses, the musicians, the seniors, the youth, the culture and the spirit of the city in this election and all others! I feel that if the past 25 years are anything like what the next will be that the help from the devine lord himself will be most necessary!


    p.s plow the sidewalks!

  • Robert
    July 02, 2010 - 13:21

    Hahahaha - oh my, as if the column wasn't funny enough, the comments are the icing on the cake.
    People, it's satire - lighten up! Lynn, go back and read the article - Jackson simply presents the empty, contradictory, and meaningless poitions of too many candidates in an exaggerated manner.
    Now, get out and vote!

  • from
    July 02, 2010 - 13:18

    'In fact, all of my dogs were born here, in our shed out back.'

    When will people learn these puppy mills do a huge disservice to the breeds. It's an animal health and safety issue. It's in the media all the time.

  • Donna
    July 02, 2010 - 13:14

    Well the telegram does have an editorial section that if someone wants to write in to express their opinion or promote themselves then they can too!

    Why is that people are always quick to pass on a negative comment rather than to point out any of the positive things that Mr. Jackson stands for, and yes, dogs do get born in a shed, I am an animal over as well, and would never want to see any harm come to an animal, but where do you think cows and hens and all of the other animals that we so easily consume everyday are born, not much different than a shed?? Gimme a break people, isn't thier anything good that you could have said about Mr. Jackson's article?? I say bravo to you Mr. Jackson, glad that you have a vision...and are looking to sustain preserve the heritage of Newfoundland and its people!

  • Anita
    July 02, 2010 - 13:12

    good point on puppy milling. excuse me donna from st. john's, but you need to educate yourself about puppy milling.

    try a google search.

    http://www.aspca.org/fight-animal-cruelty/puppy-mills/

  • James
    July 02, 2010 - 13:10

    Well said Peter, I'd vote for you. HA HA hA !

  • Mark
    July 01, 2010 - 20:20

    Classic.

  • Stan
    July 01, 2010 - 20:16

    not a bad piece of satire...for the telegram. i wonder if any of our hospitals were built out of local logs cut within town limits??

  • Mr. Juanabee
    July 01, 2010 - 20:15

    To Lynn, Donna, Anita, Lori, and especially poor, poor misguided 'from', you have completely missed the point of this editorial. Go get a sense of humor, and try reading it again.

    When will people learn these puppy mills do a huge disservice to the breeds... Ha Ha Ha Haaaa!!!!!!!

  • Lori
    July 01, 2010 - 20:13

    I think Sarah Palin wrote this... or Peter Jackson could give her a run for her money. :)

  • Lynn
    July 01, 2010 - 20:13

    Wonder if Mr. Jackson's opponents were given the opportunity to write a full-length column in The Telegram, explaining why people should vote for THEM? I think not. Shame on him, and shame on the Telegram for allowing this farce.

  • Pete
    July 01, 2010 - 20:10

    Subtle satire aside, you write a good column - but you would be offended with only flattery....so.....

    This edition reads more like a screenplay for a Jimmy Stewart movie - Wonderful Life II?

    How would one pay for all this? Double the taxes but give seniors a discount? Not such an exaggeration? I have yet to see where any Municipality, even with George Bailey as Mayor, has a constitutional right to Tax anyone? BNA Act, says only Ottawa and the Provinces have the right to Direct Taxation. Public Utilities and fees for services only?

    Municipalities, more than just their communities, need role players more like Harrison Ford characters or those played by Jimmy's contemporary Robert Mitchum. A California town elected Clint Eastwood for Mayor, but that was too much, they ended up with Arnold as Governor!

  • DeeBee
    July 01, 2010 - 20:07

    Priceless! Peter, I think you summed up the positions of all the candidates quite nicely. I'd definitely vote for you... you have so much 'vision' and know exactly what we all need. The other candidates don't stand a chance...!

  • HaHa!
    July 01, 2010 - 20:07

    Thank you Robert for pointing out the obvious! And I'm sorry for the others who missed that this was meant to be a comic piece.
    Sadly, after carefully following the election this entire article hits way too close to home and nearly mirrors some of the platforms that I watched throughout the city.
    God help us, the environment, the future growth of the city and towns, the businesses, the musicians, the seniors, the youth, the culture and the spirit of the city in this election and all others! I feel that if the past 25 years are anything like what the next will be that the help from the devine lord himself will be most necessary!


    p.s plow the sidewalks!

  • Robert
    July 01, 2010 - 20:05

    Hahahaha - oh my, as if the column wasn't funny enough, the comments are the icing on the cake.
    People, it's satire - lighten up! Lynn, go back and read the article - Jackson simply presents the empty, contradictory, and meaningless poitions of too many candidates in an exaggerated manner.
    Now, get out and vote!

  • from
    July 01, 2010 - 20:00

    'In fact, all of my dogs were born here, in our shed out back.'

    When will people learn these puppy mills do a huge disservice to the breeds. It's an animal health and safety issue. It's in the media all the time.

  • Donna
    July 01, 2010 - 19:52

    Well the telegram does have an editorial section that if someone wants to write in to express their opinion or promote themselves then they can too!

    Why is that people are always quick to pass on a negative comment rather than to point out any of the positive things that Mr. Jackson stands for, and yes, dogs do get born in a shed, I am an animal over as well, and would never want to see any harm come to an animal, but where do you think cows and hens and all of the other animals that we so easily consume everyday are born, not much different than a shed?? Gimme a break people, isn't thier anything good that you could have said about Mr. Jackson's article?? I say bravo to you Mr. Jackson, glad that you have a vision...and are looking to sustain preserve the heritage of Newfoundland and its people!

  • Anita
    July 01, 2010 - 19:50

    good point on puppy milling. excuse me donna from st. john's, but you need to educate yourself about puppy milling.

    try a google search.

    http://www.aspca.org/fight-animal-cruelty/puppy-mills/

  • James
    July 01, 2010 - 19:46

    Well said Peter, I'd vote for you. HA HA hA !