Lost: one bright, shiny, yellow torpedo-shaped device. In Conception Bay, somewhere between C.B.S. and Bell Island. Device contains myriad electronics, many of which are used to locate same should owners lose visual contact. If found, please email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Found: one particle. Answers to the name of Higgs. Smaller than the smallest particle you can possibly ever imagine. Definitely not big, yellow or shiny. The particle is believed to explain why some fundamental particles have mass when the symmetries controlling their interactions should require them to be massless, and why the weak force has a much shorter range than the electromagnetic force, and why are you still reading this?
Lost: One U.S. labour leader. Disappeared from restaurant parking lot in 1975. Answers to the name of Jimmy. Already ruled out Roseville and Milford, Mich., though empty lots north of Detroit are still a good bet. Definitely not under football goalposts in New Jersey. Note: if someone named Guido approaches you, don’t tell him who you’re looking for.
For Sale: one paper mill. In central Newfoundland. Price: $150 million, firm. Only looking to recoup costs. May require some maintenance and cleanup. Also, cleanup of related sites. Hydroelectric power source not included.
For Sale: two gas-fired power plants. Price: $585 million, firm. Only looking to recoup costs. Inquire through government of Ontario. Please note: plants are not actually built yet.
Lost: One cross. Originally nailed to exterior of St. Matthew’s Elementary School in St. John’s. Removed at request of parent who apparently believes a simple wooden fixture threatens the very fabric of our democracy. Applauded by modern-day iconoclasts whose fervour to tear down benign religious symbols overwhelms any rational duty to preserve and protect cultural heritage — such as the fact that churches were solely responsible for establishing schools in the first place, as well as for lobbying the government to provide funding for education.
For Sale: one federal Liberal leader. He walks, he talks, but doesn’t always walk the talk. Loves all regions of Canada and believes all provinces are equal — although Quebec is more equal than others. Basic speaking fee: $20,000. Speaking fee with glimpse of his glorious pecs: $30,000.
Wanted: one communications director. Apply to Kathy Dunderdale, c/o premier’s office, Newfoundland and Labrador. Note: this is a new position. Please ignore previous want ads.
Wanted: one mayor of Montreal. Preference given to outsiders. Candidates with a background in the construction industry need not apply. Criminal background check required. Successful candidate will be subject to a three-month probation period, during which time he or she must stay in regular contact with a probation officer.
Wanted: one mayor of Toronto. No qualifications necessary.
Found: one ancient British monarch few people even knew existed. Slightly bent. Answers to the name of Richard, Rick or Dicky. Seems to have a chip on his shoulder.
Peter Jackson is The Telegram’s
commentary editor. Email: email@example.com.