How the Russian government sees the world

Peter
Peter Jackson
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“(Britain is) a small island. ...
No one pays any attention to them.”
— reportedly said by Dmitry Peskov, chief spokesman for
Russian President Vladimir Putin

“Britain may be a small island, but I would challenge anyone to find a country with a prouder history, a bigger heart or greater resilience.”
— British Prime Minister
David Cameron

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin gestures as he gives a press conference, in Paris, Tuesday June 21, 2011. Putin is calling for international pressure on Syria's leadership over its deadly crackdown on anti-government protests. Putin is arguing against international intervention, however, saying it would be fruitless. Speaking in Paris on Tuesday, he used Iraq as an example, saying it is now "run by warlords" and has only gotten worse since the U.S.-led invasion. (AP Photo/Thibault Camus)

Britain is such a small island. Smaller than our smallest aircraft carrier. They can't drink vodka without falling down! They drink beer. And tea. You like milk in your tea? Too strong, no?

Beatles? Such a tiny band. Named after insects. We let them play in Russia because we feel sorry for them. Poor little Beatles! Careful not to crush under your shoe. Ha!

United States? Not very united, no? Democrats and Republicans fight like wild boars. Russia is totally united. You think Russia not united? You are wrong. No pussy feet here. All of Russia stay strong.

Talk of pussy, Barack Obama look like Tonkinese cat, no? He has big ears. You want milk, Mr. Pussycat - I mean, Mr. President? Meow? No, you don't like vodka. You are pussycat. Obama is regular pussy riot. (Ha! Ingrown joke there.)

Canada? Yes, it is big. But not really country. President Harper look like schoolboy with pussycat hair. Canadian people? They know nothing. Only drink maple syrup and talk about Canada. We are Canada! Look at us! We are Canadian, no? Canada, Canada, Canada! Make me want to toss out cookies.

Japan? Don't make me laugh. Small island like Britain. Indonesia? Get out of the town! Lots of little islands, like Bali. Our smallest caucus is bigger than two Balis. No one pays attention to them. Not even Britain.

France? Don't even start me up! They are too busy eating little snails and silly little truffle balls. Germany is coming? Who? Go away, we are busy eating! The Germans come to town and everyone is in restaurant eating little froggie legs.

The French don't even know how to make real food. You want big, hot bowl of rassolnik or shchi? Don't go to France. They only make sticky little pastries. Ooh la la. Go shampoo your head!

Germany? You are kidding, no? The Germans beat the French, but they can't beat Russia. Too cold, they say. Oh, poor little Germany. Go home and soak your frozen toes. You are like that Emperor Napolitano of France. Russia too cold for him, too.

Italy? Look like a boot! Who listens to a boot? No one, that's who. Go away, Italy. Go eat your pasta and drink your little kappa chinos. Go kick that little ball of yours, Sicily. Another tiny island!

What about Australia, you ask? That is big island, no? But where is it? I don't even know. It is down underneath something. It is full of prisoners, too. Britain sent prisoners there because Britain too small. Had to send them to bigger island. Ha! So sad, though.

So, Ozzies, go back to your big island and put another shrimp on Barbie. No one listens to you. No one understands you.

Russia. Now, that is a country. A big, beautiful country. Russia has great culture. Big and strong like bull. People like our famous writers, like Pushkin and Tolstoy and Dostoevsky. You can Chekov all of them (Ha! More joking.)

And who does not like Russian dressing? We are very fashionable. We have big belts and boots and big, baggy pants. Not like American hot pants - very silly, and not practical. Americans not wear hot pants now? Ah. but we see them. We find them in Google machine.

The world is such a silly place, with so many silly countries.

Except Syria. And Iran and Bahrain. All big, strong countries. They are friends. We listen to them.

No girly men in Iran. Russia too, soon.

Na Zdorovie!

 

Organizations: Democrats, Google

Geographic location: Russia, Britain, Canada Germany United States France Italy Japan Indonesia Iran Sicily Australia Ah Syria Bahrain

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  • Jeff
    September 11, 2013 - 08:29

    How Newfoundlanders see the world: Townies, Baymen, thems in Fort Mac, and CFAs. How the Canadian Govermnet sees the world: (See "How the American Goverment sees the world" and wait two hours)

  • Peter Jackson
    September 11, 2013 - 08:07

    Russia has been more vigorously courting Arab countries in recent years, including Bahrain. Anything to stick it to the U.S. Not only has it hosted an opposition delegation from Bahrain for talks in Moscow, but in 2011 reached an arms deal with the existing regime. At the time, Bloomberg quoted Abdul-Aziz bin Mubarak Al Khalifa, a Bahraini government spokesman: “The relationship between Russia and Bahrain has been increasingly getting stronger. We are looking to cooperate with Russia in trade and technical services. One of the fields is in the area of light arms.”

  • Politically Incorrect
    September 11, 2013 - 07:30

    Actually, Bahrain is a US backed monarchy and is home to the US navy's 5th fleet. It has also been rocked by the Arab Spring, although not much is said about it in the corporate media. The Al Khalifa regime launches brutal crackdowns on peaceful protests and has called in Saudi-led Arab forces from neighboring states in an attempt to suppress the democratic uprising.