"I really think the media is making too big a deal over a bit of water. Sure, Britain has had floods before. What makes this any different?
“The government is looking into this, so I think the best thing is for people to just sit tight in their waterlogged homes for now and let us do our job. The media is making a mountain out of a molehill. There’s no story here.”
“Crisis? There is no crisis here. The people of Ukraine are tougher than that. They can handle a bit of good, old-fashioned military occupation. We don’t need to hear from all those so-called experts about history and precedent and all that foolishness. Russia has plenty of experts right here at the Kremlin. We have studied this invasion many, many times, and we know it’s the right direction for the people of Russia. There’s no story here.”
“The people of North Korea aren’t worried about a nuclear threat or about jobs or about starving or being tortured or killed by security forces. This is just the opposition being negative and trying to score political points. You can’t believe everything you read in every mainstream press report in the free world. There’s no story here.”
“This Edward Snowden fellow is a traitor and a quisling. He is no friend of this government. He should be shot over there. This is the most open and accountable administration in the history
of the United States. We have acknowledged every single leak about covert activities as soon as it becomes public knowledge. Do we spy on other countries? You betcha! Everyone does. Do we listen in on private phone conversations of ordinary U.S. citizens? Of course we do! Every country does. There’s no story here.”
“The minister of public engagement strongly condemns the opposition for making irresponsible claims about chemical weapons. We do not have chemical weapons, except those we used in Damascus last year, and possibly the ones we promised to get rid of. And the deadline for getting rid of those not-necessarily-existent weapons was only a guideline, and not meant to be a firm date. The government continues to monitor the situation and would like to assure all surviving citizens that everything is under control. There’s no story here.”
“The people of Japan need to understand that nuclear power is the cleanest renewable power on Earth. We can’t go getting our knickers in a knot over some giant
tsunami that may never come. These are the best power plants on the planet, designed by our own homegrown experts. Nothing in the history of the world has been as scrutinized as much as Japan’s nuclear power program. We need this power, and we need it now. The opposition is just being negative. Maybe one of them should be shot. There’s no story here.”
“Uganda is proud of its long history of promoting homosexual rights. This law will not harm gays in any way. At the absolute worst, they might die in prison, but we won’t kill them. The Ugandan people are a proud, strong, determined people. We promote diversity and tolerance. Gays are not true Ugandans. They’re traitors. There’s no story.”
“We are right. The critics are wrong. Mainland experts don’t know what they’re talking about. Negativity and pessimism. Partisan politics. Media are biased. Should be shot. No story.”
Peter Jackson is The Telegram’s
commentary editor. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org.