If the N.L. government ruled the world …

Peter
Peter Jackson
Send to a friend

Send this article to a friend.

"I really think the media is making too big a deal over a bit of water. Sure, Britain has had floods before. What makes this any different?

“The government is looking into this, so I think the best thing is for people to just sit tight in their waterlogged homes for now and let us do our job. The media is making a mountain out of a molehill. There’s no story here.”

•••

“Crisis? There is no crisis here. The people of Ukraine are tougher than that. They can handle a bit of good, old-fashioned military occupation. We don’t need to hear from all those so-called experts about history and precedent and all that foolishness. Russia has plenty of experts right here at the Kremlin. We have studied this invasion many, many times, and we know it’s the right direction for the people of Russia. There’s no story here.”

•••

“The people of North Korea aren’t worried about a nuclear threat or about jobs or about starving or being tortured or killed by security forces. This is just the opposition being negative and trying to score political points. You can’t believe everything you read in every mainstream press report in the free world. There’s no story here.”

•••

“This Edward Snowden fellow is a traitor and a quisling. He is no friend of this government. He should be shot over there. This is the most open and accountable administration in the history

of the United States. We have acknowledged every single leak about covert activities as soon as it becomes public knowledge. Do we spy on other countries? You betcha! Everyone does. Do we listen in on private phone conversations of ordinary U.S. citizens? Of course we do! Every country does. There’s no story here.”

•••

“The minister of public engagement strongly condemns the opposition for making irresponsible claims about chemical weapons. We do not have chemical weapons, except those we used in Damascus last year, and possibly the ones we promised to get rid of. And the deadline for getting rid of those not-necessarily-existent weapons was only a guideline, and not meant to be a firm date. The government continues to monitor the situation and would like to assure all surviving citizens that everything is under control. There’s no story here.”

•••

“The people of Japan need to understand that nuclear power is the cleanest renewable power on Earth. We can’t go getting our knickers in a knot over some giant

tsunami that may never come. These are the best power plants on the planet, designed by our own homegrown experts. Nothing in the history of the world has been as scrutinized as much as Japan’s nuclear power program. We need this power, and we need it now. The opposition is just being negative. Maybe one of them should be shot. There’s no story here.”

•••

“Uganda is proud of its long history of promoting homosexual rights. This law will not harm gays in any way. At the absolute worst, they might die in prison, but we won’t kill them. The Ugandan people are a proud, strong, determined people. We promote diversity and tolerance. Gays are not true Ugandans. They’re traitors. There’s no story.”

•••

“We are right. The critics are wrong. Mainland experts don’t know what they’re talking about. Negativity and pessimism. Partisan politics. Media are biased. Should be shot. No story.”

 

Peter Jackson is The Telegram’s

commentary editor. Email: pjackson@thetelegram.com.

Organizations: Kremlin

Geographic location: Russia, Ukraine, United States North Korea Japan Damascus Uganda

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5

Thanks for voting!

Top of page

Comments

Comments

Recent comments

  • If Newfoundland and Labrdor ruled the World the status quo for NL economically would remain. The temlate for government corrution has been in place since our incetion!
    March 06, 2014 - 15:05

    Mr. Jackson if the Newfoundland and Labrador government ruled the World the status quo would remain with regards to our economic status. Forever we have been governed by politicians who have only governed primarily with their own personal economy in mind foremost and the economy of their business affiliates. We have been exploited by politicians since we were established as a country, first by England and since 1949 by Ottawa. It will not change unless we all collectively take a stand against corruption right here in this province like Quebec is doing at resent.

    • If Newfoundland and Labrador..........
      March 06, 2014 - 15:33

      Sorry for the fact my "Ps" AND "Bs" are sticking on my keyboard.

  • Mark Cohen's Cat, Whiskers
    March 06, 2014 - 14:18

    Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial sources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side. Where does Peter Jackson get fed, in this statement? Become an independent journalist and sell your work, work part-time, escape ->Go find Bindi Masala right now, cut out red meat, coffee and conspiracy reading.

  • JD
    March 06, 2014 - 08:16

    When people are lied to they become victims but justice prevails when you know what is right and what is true within your own heart.

  • Corporate Psycho
    March 05, 2014 - 17:04

    Crisis what crisis?

  • Tony Rockel
    March 05, 2014 - 15:22

    Our Minister of Public Engorgement will be all over you for this shocking display of insolence .

  • Virginia Waters
    March 05, 2014 - 15:05

    There are times when Jackson writes some very worthwhile, provocative, insightful pieces. This is not one of them. It isn't that I disagree with his underlying message - and I appreciate sarcasm as much as the next guy - but this just isn't up to snuff. And while I think this kind of fluff reflects on the writer, it reflects even more perhaps on the publication. My guess is that the Telegram is a tough place to work these days. With the cutbacks and the parent company putting the whole thing in low-cost auto-mode, staffers are no doubt being asked to recreate the miracle of the loaves and fishes. They're run ragged and its beginning to show. If you want someone to write something that doesn't appear amateurish or hokey, then you have to give them the time to do their job. Writing columns during bathroom breaks is never a good idea.

  • Light-Conspiracy
    March 05, 2014 - 13:52

    NL government are the 9th modern, terrestrial phase of the Bavarian Illuminati selecting these hive-location for nuclear winter. NL has the best location in event of Nuclear War, which is all but inevitable now, they all punted to Putin, whereas Hitler ran the ball aimlessly killing innocents, Putin is in position to kick the yardage. NL can't get rich, because then the Illuminati can build their nest here. Why do you think Tom Petty bought an Island and had it renamed it Ilha de Queimada Grande II?! It was in the Gazette. Dan Brown is buying Twillingate Island for 7,000,000,000,000,023 Bitcoins and adding 500,000 sq ft to the Mason Lodge, and a self-cleaning hottub. It's in the Necromnomrocron, online, all this, and more, in code, only reptilians can read. Those who don't know speak, those who do, demand a dollar. Lil Wayne and Snoop Lion are the aliens telling Tom Marshall where to build the star-India-gate, that will allow us to travel into past in search of Bindi Masala - He will tell us what to do. Fnord. Jesse Jackson Herbert Jesse James Jesse Walker Quachenbush IV, Esq., is the Shadowmind and Masterlord of it all. To know more, send $1 loonie and a selfie-egoist stamped involute to the wise man of the truly true inner path of wisest wise man wisdom and equanimity.

    • david
      March 05, 2014 - 15:09

      Yikes.

    • Jay
      March 06, 2014 - 07:12

      Light, Your post is far more enlightening and humorous than the article. I find that's often the case. Can we get some more of this stuff, or could you give Peter some lessons in writing.

  • Jeff
    March 05, 2014 - 13:31

    I have to agree with Joe. The VOCM crowd here doesn't know what a Uganda is or where to plug it in.

  • david
    March 05, 2014 - 13:08

    If the N.L. government ruled the world … we'd still be 500 years from the invention of a stone axe, after trillions of muskrat pelts in "tribal assistance".

  • Joe
    March 05, 2014 - 12:57

    Peter this type of humour is just way beyond the average Newfoundlander. To them subtle is one guy hitting the other over the head with a frying pan.

  • Windchildren
    March 05, 2014 - 12:46

    Hyperbole and Super Bowl. The paper candy manna of the presseses and menagerie of the Olympiad. Anyone for some depth psychology, or mythology, astrology. Dawn Dalley and Derrick are practicing Augery - watching the Rolling Windchill, a rare bird come home to roost. Not often talked about, the Windchill's popularity has induced Windchill-only temperatures on CBC Radio.

  • Theodore Ong
    March 05, 2014 - 11:50

    Fukushima was a disaster in the making. Warnings were not just given in the past decade, but more than 40 years ago. Safety lapses by the plant's management were not the only warnings of impending disaster. Their inventors warned of potential hazards and accidents about current reactor designs. Alvin Weinberg was one such person. The patent holder for the nuclear reactor pointed out safety flaws which could cause meltdowns and explosions. Their reply - "Alvin, if you are concerned about the safety of reactors, then I think it might be time for you to leave nuclear energy." He was fired shortly after, but was proven right by three famous accidents - Three Mile Island, Chernobyl and Fukushima.

  • Tony Rockel
    March 05, 2014 - 11:42

    "John Smith" would probably tell you that public statements like that are a "fair and balanced" assessment of the situation. Maybe his daytime job is with Fox News.

  • Happily Retired
    March 05, 2014 - 11:13

    Peter, This pure speculation based upon worst case responses to worst case situations only makes you sound like a spoiled school school child. Here are the facts, though the Telegram doesn't want to hear them: We are not experiencing the flooding which Britain is, there is no military occupation similar to what's going on in the Ukraine, we are not starving or facing nuclear threats like the people in North Korea, we don't have chemical weapons to use, we are not developing nuclear power (Heaven forbid), gays are not being persecuted as they are in Uganda. AREN'T WE LUCKY? Newfoundland and Labrador is not the terrible place which the Telegram wants it to be. Peter, you sound terribly bored, maybe you need to move somewhere that's more conducive to your need to piss and moan about everything that's not completely perfect. All you have now is an ex- politician who occasionally, at your request, talks about politics, a Bill 29 which keeps you from flooding government offices with trivial information requests, a Muskrat Falls project which politicians of all colors support, an investment into a paper mill to try and save an industry, and a health care system which cannot do everything for everybody. You write this s**t, and wonder why people think the Telegram is heavily involved in partisan politics, or negative, or that you are biased and don't know what you're talking about. Well just re-read you stupid article.

    • Tony Rockel
      March 05, 2014 - 20:56

      Needless to say, while you've been venting your manufactured outrage, you've totally missed the point of this article, which that no matter how bad the circumstances, our provincial government would somehow manage to put a positive spin on them.

    • Happily Retired
      March 06, 2014 - 06:42

      Tony, No I got the full point of the article. The fact that Peter Jackson had to create a fairy tale to make that point, just goes to show how weak the Liberal funded Telegram is at making the point. Why don't you get a job as one of their writers.

    • Tony Rockel
      March 06, 2014 - 11:34

      @Happily Retired: Evidently you like to label anyone who disagrees with you as a Liberal sympathizer, which I most definitely am not. Why don't you take over from Derrick Dalley as Minister of Public Engagement? The title would suit you admirably because it's equally pompous.

  • Ivy
    March 05, 2014 - 09:07

    What an excellent comparison for those who believe being a realist is negativity. Too bad that those who were in favour of progress in those countries hadn't been more realistic and heeded those perceived to be naysayers.

  • Lena
    March 05, 2014 - 08:12

    Absolutely, 100% spot on. This exactly the way the Williams/Dunderdale/Marshall continuum has chosen to respond to legitimate criticism. Thanks for a laugh, rueful though it might be.

  • Joe
    March 05, 2014 - 08:05

    Wow On these comments show the intelligence of the average PC supporter. Or should I say to less than average intelligence.

  • Chantal
    March 05, 2014 - 07:51

    This seems like a compilation of 'John Smith's' pathetic attempts to legitimize the current government.

  • Jon
    March 05, 2014 - 07:43

    I don't get it, are you trying to speculate how the NL government would handle these international affairs? And whats with the quotations, are you quoting someone? If it is the recent affairs of NL you are speaking of, I think you are comparing apples to bananas here. To compare our affairs to mass killings, earthquakes, tsumamis, nuclear meltdowns, nuclear threats, chemical weapons, etc. is crazy. I think you are bit out to lunch.

  • Aww Gee!
    March 05, 2014 - 06:47

    Have comments to recent opinion pieces by McLeod, Wangersky, Jones, etc. upset those authors? Hope it got right on their nerves.