The battle of the sexes

Ed
Ed Smith
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I may be wrong with everything I'm about to say. OH would say, without knowing what I'm about to say, that there's a fair chance of that.
She'd be totally convinced if she knew that what I want to write about are the relationship rules women are making for other women.
Thing is, gentlemen, women are listening to what these relationship experts are saying because they're considered to be highly successful. And so they are. They're successful because they're making a mint out of writing best-selling books on relationship rules for women.
Some of those ladies make more money than Alex RodrÍguez, he of the New York Yankee baseball team who is already filthy rich. He could use a few good rules about relationships with women himself.
It is best you younger men know something about these "rules." As someone who's been around slightly longer than you, I feel compelled to give you the benefit of my experience.
The following is what one relationship/dating expert is writing for her sisters:
1. Let your man pay. (Some of you are getting suspicious that I'm making this up. I am not.) The reasoning behind this one? If he's interested in you, he'll see that you eat well.
I can't believe this came out in the third millennium. What happened to Dutch treats? To everything being fair and square between you? The woman being described here is a goldbricker. She'll use you to live high off the hog.
My advice? Ditch her after the first $20 bill is gone and she does nothing to replace it.
2. Try and stay in shape. Your Mr. Right, she goes on to say, loves your body as much as your mind.
This person's naÏvetÉ is totally revealed in the words "as much as." I think a man is a long ways into a relationship before he loves her body "as much as" her mind. I know my experience with Other Half was that … Don't think I want to go there.
My advice? If she thinks you love her body "as much as" her mind, she's probably not too bright. If that's OK with you, fine.
3. If he doesn't know what a florist is, dump him.
Meohmeohmy! No rationale is given for this one simply because no such rationale exists. What about the little handful of piss-a-beds he lovingly picks for her by the side of the road when they stop for a pee break? I know a woman who treasures the beautiful bouquet of flowers her husband brought home following their church's flower service in the cemetery.
My advice? Have nothing to do with a woman so bloody mercenary she has to have bought flowers.
4. Never be available when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls, this one goes on.
It's hard not to get cynical about the other gender when you see them offering each other advice such as that. Never be available. These are hard lines in any man's language.
My advice? If she doesn't want to keep you happy now, exactly when do you think she will? Never. Ditch her!
5. Ensure you are a good kisser. Practice on a mirror if you have to.
Now come on, people! Practice on a mirror? Aren't there some things that just come naturally. When I was going out with OH, I found … Don't think I want to go there.
My advice? If she has to practise on a cold piece of glass, you can bet your life she's going to be one cold piece of flesh. You really need that? Naw.
6. You may well have all the bodily functions of a male; just try not to demonstrate it early on.
In short, don't pass gas on the first date. That's certainly great advice, but great heavenly day in the morning! Does she really have to be told that? Isn't that one of those things you know innately from birth, like breathing? Don't pass gas on a first date. Thing is, this has happened accidentally to both males and females. In such instances, a heartfelt "excuse me" can take you a long way.
My advice? Don't act hastily. Perhaps the two of you can make beautiful music together.
7. If his shoes are a disgrace, dump him.
If OH had read that piece of advice early on in our relationship, we would not have stayed together long enough to cause gossip, let alone have four children. You are reading the words of one who never owned two pairs of shoes at one time in his life. I thought it was extravagant to have one pair for going to church and another for painting. I usually got new shoes when some significant event was coming up and OH wouldn't let me go in the old pair.
My advice? Think where I'd be today if OH had listened to that. Dump her if it's a problem.
8. If you are wanting a child, don't mention it on the first few dates.
If ever this woman gave sound advice, this has got to be it. He might run faster if you showed him you're really a transvestite, but I doubt it. But again, isn't this one of those things where the woman is supposed to know instinctively this isn't something to bring up before you're fully familiar with each other's surnames? If she does bring it up, trust me. She's looking for a stud. Is that something you really want? Well? Well? WELL? I thought so.
My advice? She's a little too ready for you. Get out of there. Now!
If you're still suspicious about the source of these gems, it's from a site called, (OOPS - 100 per cent FREE ONLINE DATING SERVICE).
They should be ashamed of themselves.

Ed Smith lives in Springdale. His e-mail address is edsmith@nf.sympatico.ca

Organizations: New York Yankee, FREE ONLINE DATING SERVICE

Geographic location: Springdale

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