New policies for a new Canada

Michael
Michael Johansen
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Sources within the so-called Conservative government have confirmed that the draft Throne speech recently leaked to reporters is, in fact, the real thing.
One source from within the PMO, who is only authorized to leak information anonymously, says that despite the unauthorized leak the so-called prime minister has not changed his plan to give the speech to the Governor General to read if he re-opens Parliament this coming January.
"The words came to him in a dream," the source says. "He can't deny them."
One cabinet source, who also wishes to remain anonymous but still wants us to say hi to his mom, says some members of the Conservative caucus were concerned that by writing the speech early and all by himself, their leader was breaking a commitment to consult with the opposition - one made only days before. The source says the so-called prime minister told caucus that he feels he has been absolved from keeping those promises and he expects all three opposition parties will unanimously vote to support the speech, if he lets them.
"He says they won't be able to deny the words, either."
The draft of the Throne speech outlines an extensive, some say "lunatic", restructuring of Canada's military policy and a retooling of the country's resource and manufacturing sectors. Sources say the speech reflects the renewed faith the so-called prime minister found during his recent brush with Parliamentary death.
"Our Lord showed our leader how to prevail, how to thwart the immoral plot of the unholy separatist coalition," the first source says. "He has been shown the way and now he is showing us. Canada will be healed, protected, saved."
The Throne speech brings good news to some economically hard hit communities. It proposes billions to be spent on keeping mines of all kinds running at full capacity - not only the tar-sands in northern Alberta, but hard-rock mines across the rest of the country. In a provision that some analysts think may result in the abrogation of NAFTA, the so-called government proposes stockpiling all resources and reserving them for domestic use. In a move that is already outraging environmentalists, the Throne speech indicates that all regulations regarding the remediation of mine sites will be abolished. At this point the leaked copy of the speech has a cryptic hand-written note jotted in the margin:
"Holes! More holes!"
Also on the economy, the Throne speech announces a plan to nationalize Canadian automobile and firearm factories and convert production to serve an unspecified national interest. A third anonymous source - who is definitely a member of the Conservative caucus but sounds more like a backbencher who wants to be a minister, rather than someone who is already in cabinet and may want to be prime minister - says his leader is "leaving no stone unturned" in pulling Canada out of the world-wide financial crisis and that by using his government's new defence policy to kickstart the economy he'll be "killing two birds with one stone", but the source is unsure if the stone the so-called prime minister turned over is the same one he'll be using to kill the unfortunate birds.
"Shovels for our soldiers," the source says. "Think of it: Shovels for our soldiers!"
Industrial production will be converted from automobiles to heavy earth-moving equipment like bulldozers and front-end loaders. The entire military will be recalled from overseas service and issued this heavy equipment and millions of garden shovels in place of tanks, rifles and other offensive weaponry. More shovels will be issued to civilian defence squads, participation in which will become compulsory for all citizens of voting age.
What the leaked Throne speech lacks is any explanation for the radical proposals, but sources say the so-called prime minister simply expects everyone to dig as many pits and trenches as possible.
"God has shown our leader how to protect Canada: hidie holes! Lots of hidie holes!"
Sources have not yet confirmed reports that a page missing from the leaked Throne speech mentions further proposals to change the nation's flag to a plain white sheet and to replace the current national anthem with the Chicken Dance.

Michael Johansen is a writer living in Labrador.

Sources within the so-called Conservative government have confirmed that the draft Throne speech recently leaked to reporters is, in fact, the real thing.
One source from within the PMO, who is only authorized to leak information anonymously, says that despite the unauthorized leak the so-called prime minister has not changed his plan to give the speech to the Governor General to read if he re-opens Parliament this coming January.
"The words came to him in a dream," the source says. "He can't deny them."
One cabinet source, who also wishes to remain anonymous but still wants us to say hi to his mom, says some members of the Conservative caucus were concerned that by writing the speech early and all by himself, their leader was breaking a commitment to consult with the opposition - one made only days before. The source says the so-called prime minister told caucus that he feels he has been absolved from keeping those promises and he expects all three opposition parties will unanimously vote to support the speech, if he lets them.
"He says they won't be able to deny the words, either."
The draft of the Throne speech outlines an extensive, some say "lunatic", restructuring of Canada's military policy and a retooling of the country's resource and manufacturing sectors. Sources say the speech reflects the renewed faith the so-called prime minister found during his recent brush with Parliamentary death.
"Our Lord showed our leader how to prevail, how to thwart the immoral plot of the unholy separatist coalition," the first source says. "He has been shown the way and now he is showing us. Canada will be healed, protected, saved."
The Throne speech brings good news to some economically hard hit communities. It proposes billions to be spent on keeping mines of all kinds running at full capacity - not only the tar-sands in northern Alberta, but hard-rock mines across the rest of the country. In a provision that some analysts think may result in the abrogation of NAFTA, the so-called government proposes stockpiling all resources and reserving them for domestic use. In a move that is already outraging environmentalists, the Throne speech indicates that all regulations regarding the remediation of mine sites will be abolished. At this point the leaked copy of the speech has a cryptic hand-written note jotted in the margin:
"Holes! More holes!"
Also on the economy, the Throne speech announces a plan to nationalize Canadian automobile and firearm factories and convert production to serve an unspecified national interest. A third anonymous source - who is definitely a member of the Conservative caucus but sounds more like a backbencher who wants to be a minister, rather than someone who is already in cabinet and may want to be prime minister - says his leader is "leaving no stone unturned" in pulling Canada out of the world-wide financial crisis and that by using his government's new defence policy to kickstart the economy he'll be "killing two birds with one stone", but the source is unsure if the stone the so-called prime minister turned over is the same one he'll be using to kill the unfortunate birds.
"Shovels for our soldiers," the source says. "Think of it: Shovels for our soldiers!"
Industrial production will be converted from automobiles to heavy earth-moving equipment like bulldozers and front-end loaders. The entire military will be recalled from overseas service and issued this heavy equipment and millions of garden shovels in place of tanks, rifles and other offensive weaponry. More shovels will be issued to civilian defence squads, participation in which will become compulsory for all citizens of voting age.
What the leaked Throne speech lacks is any explanation for the radical proposals, but sources say the so-called prime minister simply expects everyone to dig as many pits and trenches as possible.
"God has shown our leader how to protect Canada: hidie holes! Lots of hidie holes!"
Sources have not yet confirmed reports that a page missing from the leaked Throne speech mentions further proposals to change the nation's flag to a plain white sheet and to replace the current national anthem with the Chicken Dance.

Michael Johansen is a writer living in Labrador.

Geographic location: Canada, Northern Alberta, Labrador

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