And furthermore, you idiot

I don't often get nasty phone calls or e-mails. My readers are as polite as they are discerning. A more genteel group is difficult to imagine.
I mention this partially because this is as good a time as any to say "Thank You" to all those who take time during the year to drop me a line of support and encouragement.
There were many of those during the Christmas and New Year's season. For example, there was the Sister who said, "Quite often I don't agree with what you say in your column, but I always read it and I always enjoy it."
Now there's a woman who is as much of a lady as she is a Sister. Of course, I've always had a soft spot for Sisters, even if one of them did throw Buddy Wasisname through a wall. He probably deserved it.
I don't know if having a strong affection for Sisters will get me kicked out of The Sons of Martin Luther (better known among the Roman crowd as The Black Protestants) Association. I don't much care. These days the Protestants are as bad as the Catholics. I may have to renew my membership in the Church of the Woolly Haired Sacrificial Lambs.
I think they've become a branch of the Scientology/Unitarian union since I left them. From what I've heard, though, they may be a little too emotional for my tastes.
I do welcome criticism, as long as it's constructive and doesn't resort to name-calling and taking the name of Danny Williams in vain. Readers have a right to tell me off if they feel like it, and they can use whatever language they feel is appropriate.
Harperites aren't real fond of me these days. Had a call from a lady a few nights ago who let me have it with both barrels. She claimed to be a follower of the Prime Minister and rightly deduced that I was not. From the strength of her feelings, I'd say she was a close relative, perhaps even a disciple.
One of the things she said was that she was tired of reading my "drivel." I understand that. I get tired of reading it as well, which is why I don't after I've written it. I meant to suggest to her that the best solution to her problem was that she stop reading it, too.
Of course, she'd have to read some of it to determine which was drivel and which wasn't. The issue then becomes confusing because, by that time, she's already reading the drivel which she didn't want to read in the first place.
You know, Ma'am, it's much simpler just to become a fan and read everything I write as though it's gospel truth, which it sometimes is and sometimes isn't.
Take the things I say about the honourable Mr. Harper, for example. Some people think it's gospel and some people don't. I can give you an example of a sentence that will find much different responses: Half of Stephen Harper's government are sleeveens.
You see? Simple enough sentence. Yet some people will read it and say with some emotion, "Damn straight!" While others will lower their browsers and look quite stern and pronounce me evil.
Yet, you couldn't tell these people apart in the post office or out on the berry-picking barrens, which is why when some people call me to give me a piece of their mind they don't always tell me their right name, do they Ma'am? But that's all right. If I went on with the kind of drivel some of these people do, I wouldn't give my right name, either.
But then let's say I write the following sentence: Half of Stephen Harper's government are not sleeveens.
You think I'll have the same crowd mad at me as before? No way. The two groups will be totally mixed up as far as their responses are concerned, because they won't have a clue what I meant by the first sentence apropos of what I said in the second. Truth is, neither will I. It could be drivel. In fact, I have to confess that it is.
Sorry to have taken you all this way for nothing, Ma'am.
There is a question which I find difficult to answer. Why do people call me to tell me off, anyway? I don't see any profit in it. It isn't as though they have a maiden's prayer in the Playboy Mansion of changing my mind on anything. Perhaps she feels better when she hangs up. She can turn to the man of the house who's cowering under the kitchen table.
"You hear that, Horace? You hear how I gave him a piece of my mind? He won't be so quick to say nasty things about dear Mr. Harper anymore, I can guarantee you that! Now get out from under that table before I give you the same thing!"
Perhaps we should say something sensible about this whole area of readers' negative reactions to the things we write and put our names beside or under or above or somewhere. They have a right to be as stupid as we are if they want.
Again, what I don't understand is why they want to call and show me in no uncertain terms just how stupid they can be.
Now I wish to point out that not everyone who disagrees with me is stupid. In fact, it usually turns out they are far less stupid than I am. Some of them say intelligent things that I myself never thought of saying. It's rare, of course, that it happens with people who are calling me nasty names.
So, if you feel tonight that this was a really stupid column, composed mostly of drivel and you want to tell me so in no uncertain terms, I have just one thing to say to you.
Go for it.

Ed Smith lives in Springdale. His e-mail address is edsmith@nf.sympatico.ca