God made us this way

Ed Smith
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I am not the sharpest chisel in the toolbox. Never pretended to be. I have my limitations, I know what they are, and I perform accordingly. There's nothing I can do about the fact that some people are disappointed with my performances accordingly.
Everyone has limitations. Even presidents like Bill Clinton has them. His centre around discretion. He has none. There's nothing he can do about it because that's the way God made him.
You need to pay attention to this next bit, OK?
Everybody wonders how Sweet William got out of that little scrape with what's-her-face. Always think of her as what's-her-face for some reason or other. Oh yes, Monica … Monica … what's-her-face! Knew I'd get it sooner or later. What happened was, as he explained to Hillary later that week, he couldn't help himself because that's the way God made him.
As I said at the beginning, I'm not the coolest kid in the cucumber patch, but I know a good thing when I see it, and what Billy Clinton had going for him there was a very, very good thing. Did Hillary go off the deep end? No, she did not. Did Hillary, or anyone else, get him kicked out of the White House? No she did not.
Poor Bill couldn't help himself with Monica because that was the way God made him. Now unless Hillary wanted to get into a tussle with the Almighty for making Bill that way, the thing to do was keep her mouth shut.
Hillary was smart enough to know that the Almighty doesn't like to be questioned about His creations, especially those who have a flaw or two. If she wanted to be a senator someday, the thing to do was leave God's creation exactly as she found it, which she did.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking exactly what Other Half is thinking when she reads this first draft.
"Surely Lord not another column about Monica Lewinsky! (Women never seem to have any problem remembering Monica's name.) You've about worn that out 50 times over. People are going to think you're some kind of pervert!"
If I knew for sure that I was the only man whose thoughts ever wandered her way, I'd agree. But I'm not. I know Bill thinks about her, too. But, as it happens, what's-her-face isn't the subject of today's column. My theme this week is the perfect explanation for whatever you do and whatever happens to you, especially if you're male. It's absolutely perfect and works with everyone except atheists.
"That's the way God made me!"
Oh, that I had known that one when I was 10 years old, and 15 and … and … and 20.
"I'm sorry for heaving the rock through your window, Mr. Penny. That's the way God made me."
"Sorry for stealing your punt, Uncle Doug. That's the way God made me."
"I was not looking at that girl in the bikini, honey. She wasn't wearing a bikini? Gee, I didn't notice. If I did turn my head slightly, that's just the way God made me."
The ministers were right: how much easier life would have been if we had remembered our Creator in the days of our youth.
This column should end right here. That last line is perfect.
It would have ended, too, had I not remembered something else, or rather someone else. Other Half, a.k.a. OH, a.k.a. the author of the following line: "Vengeance may belong to the Lord, but the last word is always mine."
I can see it now rising before me like an apparition.
"You want to look at naked women? Fine! I know one naked woman you won't be looking at for a while. You'll find one blanket for the couch in the linen closet."
"But please, you can't do that to me. It's -30 C outside!"
"Oh yes I can. That's the way God made me!"
My sainted mother would have been right there with her in this particular instance.
"Stole your uncle's punt, did you? That's the last time you're going near the cove for the summer."
"Not going near the cove? Mom! All the boys will be down there sailing their boats and making rafts. You can't do that!"
"No? Well, my son, that's the way God made me!"
I guess nothing is foolproof. I've certainly never found an excuse to explain away anything I did that was stupid. Over the years I've heard lots from other men who tried them out on Significant Others and were willing to share the experience with me.
"I wasn't myself."
"I didn't know someone was spiking my drinks."
"I thought it was you getting in with me."
The fellow who used that last one is working somewhere in Inuvik - permanently and alone.
Those experts who advise people to be strictly honest with each other are totally out to lunch. After long years of watching the comings and goings of other people I am convinced that the only way to handle having gotten into a bad situation is to lie your head off.
If she (Significant Other, mother, teacher, whoever) doesn't find out you're lying, everybody's happy. If she does, you're no worse off than you were at the beginning. I once told my mother that the pet rabbit I had dispatched with a well-aimed arrow had wandered off and was eaten by dogs. When I told her the truth many years later, she just laughed.
You see? Never fails except once in a while. The only little fly in the ointment is St. Peter. If you do get to the Pearly Gates there could be a problem. If he says he won't take you in because you're a liar, it won't do any good to protest that he can't do that, because you know what he's going to say.
"That's the way God made me!"

Ed Smith lives in Springdale. His e-mail address is edsmith@nf.sympatico.ca

Geographic location: Inuvik, Springdale

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Recent comments

  • Pluto
    July 02, 2010 - 13:14

    Magical, invisible friends are for idiots and small children.

  • Pluto
    July 01, 2010 - 19:54

    Magical, invisible friends are for idiots and small children.