Lunar lie

Ed Smith
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There are explanations for this. A moon rock given to the Dutch National Museum turns out to be fake! Tests have shown it to be petrified wood! I've ruined more than one chainsaw on the same kind of stuff, except around here it's called greenheart and makes good boat keels.

One wonders how a national museum can be fooled that completely. From where did they get the thing in the first place? Well, the "moon rock" was given to the museum by a dead Dutch prime minister, which just goes to show you can't trust dead Dutch prime ministers. Actually, the museum got it from the prime minister after said prime minister was dead, so one can't really blame him.

The dead prime minister was supposed to have gotten it from the American ambassador, who said he got it from the U.S. State Department, who said they got it from the Apollo astronauts, who said they got it from the moon. The trail goes a bit cold there, but it's safe to say someone got taken.

Conspiracy theorists, those who claim the boys never reached the moon in the first place, are having a field day. You'll find such people among the extreme religious right from the southern states. They're known for such contributions to the peoples of the world as producing televangelists like Jimmy Swaggart and electing presidents like Georgie W. Bush.

In Canada, they would have voted for Harper - and probably did. That's the only explanation for him.

There are thousands who believe the U.S. faked the whole moon landing thing. Considering the number of women around the world who keep faking you-know-what, and the number of husbands who pretend they don't know, it's not that hard to believe. After all, mothers pretend to love daughters-in-law, politicians pretend to love babies and clergy pretend to love clergy from other denominations.

It's all a sham, which is why so many people are convinced the moon landing was as well. I'm not sure, myself. At the time I was salmon fishing on Castor River. Other Half needs no convincing because she was home and saw it on TV.

Bottom line: the rock is a fake.

Another bottom line: someone knew.

If it wasn't the dead Dutch prime minister, it was the alive American ambassador who, being alive, should have had some clue but didn't. Canada has had one or two American ambassadors like that - clueless. Don't think they gave us any moon rocks, though. Didn't give us anything except a black eye in the States.

I can imagine the conversation between the Apollo astronauts after they got back.

Armstrong: "Give me that piece of moon rock we picked up for the Dutch, Buzz."

Aldrin: "I didn't pick it up, you did. Saw you do it."

Armstrong: "Did not! You picked it up yourself."

Aldrin: "Well, if neither of us did, what do we do now?"

Armstrong: "Don't worry about it. We'll grab something in the petrified forest when we swing through on our goodwill tour. They'll never know the difference."

That's one explanation.

Another is that, instead of green cheese, the moon is actually made out of wood. I found the green cheese thing hard to believe even as a little boy, because any cheese I'd ever seen was yellow. It came in great huge round blocks which were actually circles, and had a great huge cleaver to cut through it to produce the wedge you had to take home to your mother in a piece of wax paper.

I used to watch carefully to see that the cleaver didn't actually bisect one of the fat old houseflies crawling over it. Didn't bother me any, but I knew my mother would want to know. Never did see it happen, although there were some close calls. May have even gotten half a fly leg or two on occasion.

Perhaps a more likely scenario is that at one time, the moon was covered with water and trees, same as Earth is now. That would also mean, of course, that there would have been fish and animals and even human beings. That might be where the theory of the man in the moon came from.

At one time, there might have been many men in the moon, and even a scattered woman. It may be that the Earth was colonized from the moon in the first place. Now, there's a thought for you southern-religious-right types.

Whatever, something happened. More than likely, the moon people cut down all the trees and saturated their lawns and the roadsides with insecticides. The atmosphere went all funny, the oceans all dried up and over a few millennia every trace of anything alive totally disappeared.

Gradually, in the extreme dryness, any tree remaining became petrified, as it has in several parts of the world. That's what the astronauts picked up. If they had searched further, they might have found some petrified human bones. Or petrified cheddar.

If you don't accept any of that, you have to ask the question of what happened to the real moon rock. Somewhere in the process between the moon and the Dutch National Museum, a switch was made. Is it possible that in the Iranian National Museum, there's a little object marked "Petrified Wood" and on the back of it, in Arabic, "Hahaha, Infidel Dogs!"?

Someone has the original rock. Could be George W., because he wouldn't know it if he did. Could be used as a paperweight on Obama's desk. Could be in the dead Dutch prime minister's casket. I mean, has anyone looked? Lately?

Has anyone looked in all the Queen's jewelry boxes. The ambassador's safety deposit box? Behind Jimmy Swaggart's pulpit?

When all is said and done, there are far more questions raised in this situation than will ever be answered, except for one.

I don't have it.

Ed Smith lives in Springdale. His e-mail address is

Organizations: Dutch National Museum, U.S. State Department, Iranian National Museum Queen's

Geographic location: Canada, U.S., Castor River Springdale

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