Just a bit much

Ed Smith
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I hope you've heard of at least a couple of these things yourself.

Otherwise, you probably won't believe me. I swear with all my heart and soul and my neighbour as myself that the following is true. Otherwise, I wouldn't be telling you, would I?

The first has to do with suicide. I must hasten to assure you that I don't mean to make light of such a terrible thing. I'm entirely conscious of the fact that people who take their own lives are under immense stress, and suffering in the extreme. They are also causing the people who love them untold grief and heartache.

All that being said, I still found the following to be rather ironic, to put it mildly. The story comes from the Google news headlines of a couple of days ago.

Seems this lady in Barcelona decided to end it all. Happens all the time, of course. People get tired of living in this vale of tears and simply want to escape. All kinds of reasons from unrequited love on down, or up as the case may be. Sometimes the reasons are understandable, sometimes not. Has nothing to do with this particular case, anyway.

Likewise, there are many ways of doing it. She decided to jump from a high window. I don't know how high the windows are in Barcelona. You probably wouldn't need a skyscraper for this purpose. Four or five stories up should do it, especially if the sidewalk is particularly hard.

At about the same time, this tourist from Italy was walking along a certain street taking in the sights. The street happened to be in Barcelona and by sheer coincidence, was the same street on which our lady friend decided to take her plunge. There were lots of other tourists walking the street that day, too, but this man had one other factor working against him.

He was walking underneath the lady's window just as she made her fateful decision and at exactly the same moment. She landed on him and killed them both. Oops.

Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

OK, so you can see how that might happen. Terrible coincidence, but not unbelievable and certainly not intentional.

The next two little items don't come under the general heading of what the insurance companies call "Acts of God" when they're trying to get out of paying for something.

I saw on television where there's supposed to be a new show coming on television this fall. New shows have happened before with some rather strange titles: "Sex in the City," "Desperate Housewives" and "Gossip Girl," to name only a few.

Usually these titles have to do with sex and sometimes with religion. The one I saw combined both.

I hope you're sitting down, because you need to be ready for this one.

"Boobs and Jesus."

No, Pastor, I am not lying! Perhaps one of your flock has told you about this already and you've preached your sermon on it. I would have been there, you know, just to see how you'd handle it. I'm having trouble enough here in this column.

I have to admit I'm fairly liberal when it comes to things like this. That country gospel song of a few years ago, "Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalposts of Life," made me blink a few times, but I did manage to recover.

But "Boobs and Jesus"? That's a bit much even for me, Pastor, whom most people, including me and definitely you, would consider a certified sinner.

OH and I were desperately trying to find a connect between boobs and Jesus when it suddenly struck us. A boob is not only a relatively acceptable slang word for breast, but also a term to describe a stupid person, especially a man. It's not used that much anymore, but it's still around. It's possible, perhaps even likely, that the title is meant to attract 100 million outraged and/or curious viewers while actually referring to the latter meaning.

Television itself used to be referred to as "the boob tube" because it was thought to have most appeal to simple minds.

Perhaps that's it, too. It may be a show about televangelists (boobs), for example, and the use they've made of TV (the boob tube) for their own "religious" purposes. Whatever, that's what I choose to believe because there can be no other explanation. Besides, that's the high road.

Just one more.

I was watching a sports show the other night where they were showing plays of the week or something similar. Anyway, overriding the visual portion of the sportscast was one of those song videos featuring the singer, who in this case looked all of 15, and various dance routines to accompany the song.

The dance wasn't exactly discreet. Suggestive might be a better word, but then no more than most these days and certainly a lot less than some. But it was the lyrics that stood out in my mind.

I have a friend who loves to sing "'Twas on the Labrador, me b'ys, 'Twas on the Labrador." Those of you familiar with that beautiful ballad know that the one line is the sum total of its lyrics, and is repeated over and over until the singers fall into a drunken stupor. I've seen it happen.

So it is with the song this young lady was singing on television. It, too, had only one line repeated and repeated and repeated. Are you ready? I'm about to reveal this one, too.

"I like you better when you're naked."

She wasn't singing to her dog or to her parrot. She wasn't even singing to herself, because the last line was just a little different.

"I like you better when I'm naked."

Our parents thought Elvis Presley was the devil. We couldn't understand their attitude back then. But now I do.

Them's now us.

Ed Smith is an author and Telegram columnist who lives in Springdale. His e-mail address is edsmith@nf.sympatico.ca.

Organizations: Google

Geographic location: Barcelona, Italy, Springdale

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