Help wanted: Cabinet Minister

Peter
Peter Jackson
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Canada's Still Reasonably New Government(TM) is looking for a strong, motivated individual to take on the challenge of becoming a cabinet minister under the Stephen Harper team. The individual should not be too strong or too motivated.

This is an exciting opportunity to enter the noble field of public service, and should not be looked upon as a career-booster or stepping stone. A healthy fear of authority is expected.

Canada's Still Reasonably New Government(TM) is looking for a strong, motivated individual to take on the challenge of becoming a cabinet minister under the Stephen Harper team. The individual should not be too strong or too motivated.

This is an exciting opportunity to enter the noble field of public service, and should not be looked upon as a career-booster or stepping stone. A healthy fear of authority is expected.

Qualifications

The candidate for this position must have a degree or diploma from an accredited learning institution.

Preferable fields of study: law, economics, communications, sound engineering, airport security, cold cuts, biker gangs, nuclear energy, money laundering, intelligent design, car maintenance, pet grooming.

A background in political science is not a requirement.

Climate scientists need not apply. Journalists should see job posting for Canadian Senator.

The candidate should have a solid knowledge of the history of the Conserv-ative Party of Canada.

That knowledge should not extend further back than 2006. Candidates with long memories need not apply.

Terms you should know

Here are some terms you should be familiar with. This is not an exhaustive list:

Tax relief

Tax cuts

Tax holiday

Tax loophole

Guilt-free apology

Sponsorship scandal

Smear campaign

Socialist

Separatist

Creative accounting

Plausible deniability

Redaction

Scapegoat

Are you up for the challenge?

Here are some questions you should consider.

How do you feel about homosexuality? Should gays exist?

How do you feel about global warming?

How do you feel about the Alberta tarsands?

Who planted dinosaur bones in the tarsands?

If God didn't make little green apples, who did?

Have you ever lost your temper? Have you ever lost it in a public place?

How do you feel about airports in general? About airport staff? About small island provinces?

Do you drink tequila?

Do you own a car?

Does your spouse own a car? Has he/she ever been stopped by police?

Have you ever taken sensitive or secret documents with you on a romantic tryst? Why?

Do you find cancer "sexy"?

Do you find listeriosis funny?

Contact us

We are an equal opportunity employer. We do not discriminate on the basis of age, intelligence, criminal background or political affiliation, although West Coast Liberal MPs are especially welcome.

To apply, call 1-888-BLUEBOY, or e-mail info@iggyisaloser.ca.

Peter Jackson is The Telegram's commentary editor. He can be contacted by e-mail at pjackson@thetelegram.com.

Organizations: Party of Canada

Geographic location: Canada, Alberta

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Comments

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Recent comments

  • Fred
    July 02, 2010 - 13:31

    Must have taken excerpts from Jean Chretiens Red Book.

  • Polly
    July 02, 2010 - 13:19

    Peter ; I can resist anything but temptation , so I offer you this : An Apology - We would like to apologise for the way in which politicians are represented in this programme. It was never our intention to imply that politicians are weak-kneed political time servers who are concerned more with their personal vendettas and private power struggles than the problems of government, nor to suggest at any point that they sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital matters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before the well being of the people they supposedly represent, nor to imply at any stage that they are squabbling little toads without an ounce of concern for the vital social problems of today. We are sorry if this impression has come across ----- Monty Python's Flying Circus . I had to edit out the offensive parts . This was a broadcast from October , 1972 .

  • Fred
    July 01, 2010 - 20:19

    Must have taken excerpts from Jean Chretiens Red Book.

  • Polly
    July 01, 2010 - 20:01

    Peter ; I can resist anything but temptation , so I offer you this : An Apology - We would like to apologise for the way in which politicians are represented in this programme. It was never our intention to imply that politicians are weak-kneed political time servers who are concerned more with their personal vendettas and private power struggles than the problems of government, nor to suggest at any point that they sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital matters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before the well being of the people they supposedly represent, nor to imply at any stage that they are squabbling little toads without an ounce of concern for the vital social problems of today. We are sorry if this impression has come across ----- Monty Python's Flying Circus . I had to edit out the offensive parts . This was a broadcast from October , 1972 .