I don’t know how to vote. All those debates and rallies and ads are all so confusing. I think I’ll just go with my instincts. I’ll just go around town and look at the signs and vote how I feel.
Jerry Byrne is a Conservative candidate. His name sounds like Gerry Byrne, but in print it is quite different: Jerry Byrne. That “J” makes all the difference — that, and the fact that he’s a Tory, not a Liberal like the other Jerry, except the other Jerry is spelled “Gerry.”
Jack Harris is the NDP candidate. He can use the same signs as he used last time he ran. Déja vu all over again. People who don’t like him probably call him “Jack Arse” (ha ha!), but I think most people like him.
When I see all those signs that say “Byrne” and “Harris,” it seems like they’re saying “burn” and “harass”; those are not nice words.
John Allan is the Liberal candidate. He has two first names. Should you call him John or Allan? Both seem too informal.
“John Allan” sounds like that nice chap who used to sing and smile all the time — John Allan Cameron. Except he’s from Cape Breton, and he’s also dead. So this guy is probably different.
The signs are pretty, though. Red, blue and orange. They’re like balloons, only they’re not round and they’re not filled with air or helium or anything.
But then there’s those other ones over on the other side of town.
Siobhan Coady is the Liberal candidate. I know that’s a woman because I’ve seen her face, and I know her name is not pronounced “Sigh-o-ban,” even though it seems like it should be. People call her “Shove on,” the same way you say “Come on.”
Ryan Cleary is the NDP candidate. He used to run a newspaper, so he must be smart. He’s got bushy eyebrows, and his last name sounds a bit like “clearly,” like the song that goes, “I can see clearly now the rain is gone.” I hope it doesn’t rain today.
Loyola Sullivan is the Tory candidate. He used to be Danny Williams’ finance guy, so he must be really smart. He talks a bit like a leprechaun, only he’s much bigger than a leprechaun.
I think I should vote Liberal, because Stephen Harper is full of contempt. Everyone says so. Even the House of Commons said so.
But Michael Ignatieff didn’t live in Canada for a long time, so I think I will vote Conservative after all. But I’ll have to vote more than once, just to make sure they get a majority. They need a majority.
That fellow with the NDP sure seems nice, though. His name is Jack Layton, and he’s a socialist. He seems to be getting really popular. That’s because he doesn’t fight as much as the other guys. And he’s got a moustache.
I’d like to vote for Gilles Duceppe, but I don’t think I can. Too bad. He seems very clever and he looks funny in a hair net. But he’s a separatist. You shouldn’t get in bed with separatists. Or socialists.
Maybe I’ll vote for that woman. What’s her name? Elizabeth May. She’s with the Green Party. And their signs are green! Now that’s pretty easy to remember.
Come to think of it, the Green Party is running here, too. I almost forgot.
There’s that fellow Rick Austin. His name reminds me of Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man. I’ll bet he’d be a $3.2-billion man today. Oh yeah, there’s also a wrestler named Steve Austin. I don’t think the Green Party guy is him, though, because I’ve seen his picture.
Then there’s a guy named Robert Miller. He’s the other Green Party candidate. He has the same last name Arthur Miller, the one who wrote “Death of a Salesman.” I wonder if Robert Miller is a salesman. That would be funny.
Well, I still don’t know who to vote for.
The main thing is, I don’t want to waste my vote. Because if you vote for someone and they don’t win, then you’ve wasted your vote. Only thing is, you don’t know who’s going to win until after you vote. That sucks.
Guess I should just vote for the one I think is going to win. But I don’t know who’s going to win. I’ll just have to vote for the one I want to win.
So, who do I want to win?
Well, let’s see. Jerry Byrne sounds like Gerry Byrne …
Peter Jackson is The Telegram’s commentary editor. He can be contacted by email at email@example.com.