The Royal Passions

Ed Smith
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I have a huge problem here. Talk about splitting the voter base. This column splits the election time.

The vast majority of you will get it on the Saturday before the election. That’s good. I can still take a few shots at those political hopefuls who I think would have been better off on a beach in Barbados.

What am I saying?! That’s where many of them will probably wind up after performing their political magic on the Canadian public.

The rest of you will “get it” either the Monday of or the Thursday following. Anything I say to you is consequently pretty well lost.

I could, I suppose, congratulate the winners, but I may not feel like doing that. If I do feel like it, people will say I’m climbing on the bandwagon, and they’ll be right.

Perhaps the best thing I can do at this point is bow gracefully out of the campaign. I did get an email today saying that every reader of my column is aware of who I am not voting for, and there’s no need to keep repeating it.

So, I won’t. Just as long as you all know. Perhaps that’s why no candidate has been knocking on my door. Not complaining, mind you.

If there’s any doubt in anyone’s mind, just email me and I’ll be glad to fill you in.

So, let’s get to the wedding.

I know no one is asking what wedding. That would simply be an indication that you are dead. Even with such amazing competing news headlines as Elton John announcing that the godmother for his new son is Lady Gaga, everyone still knows which wedding.

I am aware that for most of you, the wedding was yesterday. For the rest of you, it was last week. Nothing of what I say here is negated by that fact. As a matter of fact, you can look back at the wedding today and say, “I wish I had known that yesterday.” Well, now you know.

Most of the headlines are about that impending royal extravaganza, anyway. Nobody likes the wedding list. Prince Harry’s date is raising questions. Is she “The One” or only one of several? I have to admit it keeps me awake at night.

The other thing that’s interesting is that there will be no Royal Kiss at the altar.

“That’s simply not done in the Anglican church,” sniffed a spiritual protocol person who, without doubt, is a bachelor. The Royal Family doesn’t like the idea much, either, which, given the various personages involved over the years, would seem eminently understandable.

An archbishop has said the two principals are aware of the impact such an act would have were it to be done in the confines of the cathedral, and he asked the people to pray for the young couple. Not much doubt but that in that circumstance, they will need all the prayers they can get.

Not much room for anyone from the United Church of Canada among that lot. No one tells them what to do or think or believe. The United Church might do worse while they’re over there than present them with an engraved invitation signed by all church members across this nation inviting them to join the United crowd.

The invitation will read, “With us you can do what you like.” But by then, of course, it will have been too late. They will have already done it.

Perhaps we could give them a discount on fees.

Diana and Charles (or Upchuck, as the world affectionately knows him) kissed on the balcony after their wedding. She turned to him as the crowd screamed for it and said, “Well, what about it?” (I think that’s true.)

Camera films didn’t exactly sizzle. They did have those two boys a little later, of course, but now we know which one it was who turned to the other and said, “Well, what about it?”

Much of the press has been reporting that William and Kate are a little less spontaneous with their kiss. Evidently, reporters have been writing with a straight face that the two love birds have been seen practicing different angles so that the international press gets it just right.

Also, the exact time has already been determined for this robust exchange of emotions. You’d have to be veteran pornographic actors doing 100 shows a day to pull off a kiss like that without being acutely aware of your viewing audience.

I don’t know this for a fact, mind you, but it wouldn’t surprise me at all if there’s a fairly thick handbook in the royal honeymoon suite entitled “Propah Protocol for Royal Newlyweds on Their Wedding Night.”

Of course, everyone knows where they’re going for their first night! Holiday Inn. They’re running specials this time of year.

This little book would have most of the cover taken up with a snap of the Queen, bless her heart, with a severe expression on her face looking out on her newly married family-subjects.

On the back cover would be an early drawing of the Tower of London, with the inscription underneath: “Remember”. Either that, or a framed portrait of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

The book is not to be confused with the Ontario Sex Manual, which has all blank pages.

Actually, I wish I were much more interested in the nuptials of William and Kate. They seem like such a lovely, innocent couple to be having the weight of the world forced on them, even before he’s king and she takes precedence over Camilla in the receiving lines.

What moments they will have alone after this will be few and far between. No wonder they’re coming to Canada to try to get away from it all. I wouldn’t doubt but that while they’re here, they’ll get pregnant.

Whatever anyone does, please listen to the wishes of the Canadian people as expressed by me, and don’t hang a portrait of the Queen in their bedroom. They have enough to overcome as it is.

Ed Smith is an author who lives in Springdale. His email address is

Organizations: Royal Kiss, Anglican church, United Church of Canada Royal Newlyweds Holiday Inn

Geographic location: London, Canada, Springdale

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Recent comments

  • Hattie
    April 30, 2011 - 10:21

    Hey! Whats up with the "Ontario Sex Manual" joke! LOL I'm from Ontario and I actually got a good laugh out of it. But what do you s'pose the reaction would be from Nflders if a mainland newspaper columnist made a derogatory joke about Nfld sexuality? I think an awful lot of Nflders would get their backs up in a hurry.