The only way to fly

Pam
Pam Frampton
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“If anyone wonders why the airlines are not doing well, it is because flying has been made such an unpleasant and degrading experience.”

— Keith Henson, American author

and activist

 

We shuffle forward grimly in the harsh fluorescent light, carrying our plastic trays. We are subdued, and barefoot. There is no laughter.

“I shouldn’t have to do this!” mutters the elderly man ahead of me, who has horribly gnarled toes.

After setting off the metal detector, I am subjected to a full-body pat-down by a stern-faced woman in uniform who does not make eye contact.

I don’t care. I’m used to it and have nothing to hide.

Not even my 100 ml containers of gels and liquids.  They are fully on display in a clear, Ziploc bag.

Welcome to the modern age of air travel, where you are treated like a potential terrorist until proven otherwise.

Now, I don’t mind the pat-downs and the body scans, both of which I endured this week in the span of a three-day business trip. I don’t mind exposing my lipgloss and moisturizer to public scrutiny and I don’t mind emptying the contents of my pockets.

I don’t even mind going barefoot through security, though I am dubious about how hygienic that is.

Airport security has been tightened for the greater good.

What I do mind is bad service and a complete disregard for customer satisfaction and comfort.

 

Times have changed

When did we go from the days when you were welcomed aboard and felt the magic of being transported to someplace new, to feeling like the lowest-paying passengers on an overloaded cattle boat?

Rates have gone up and service has gone down.

Think about it: you make your own reservation, select your own seat, print your own boarding pass and hoist your own suitcase onto the conveyor belt — and, in some cases, pay for that privilege. It cost $25 for a single bag when I flew with United last week.

You pay hundreds of dollars for a ticket, only to be crammed into an aging plane the size of a paper towel roll, where even short people can whack their heads off the ceiling and there’s barely room at your feet to place your purse.

The only difference between first class and the rest of us was that they were offered a plastic glass of orange juice or water before takeoff and we weren’t. Their seats were just as ratty as ours, and they had had to go through the farce of queuing up behind a velvet rope and standing on a special piece of carpet at the gate for “priority” boarding.

In fact, there are so many “executive class,” “Star Alliance” and other special passengers, I’m surprised they don’t just announce at the end, “and now you losers in economy can board.”

At my boarding gate last week — where I had arrived promptly at 6 a.m. for an 8 a.m. international flight — we were told there might be a slight delay as the captain was en route.

Fair enough.

Then there was another delay, but the captain was on her way.

Then they confessed they didn’t actually know where the captain was. Another delay.

Then another. And another.

By then, passengers had been sitting around for hours — afraid to leave the gate in case the captain showed up. Put a bunch of harried, time-strapped people together in close quarters and tensions can get revved up.

One man spontaneously launched into a soliloquy on the value of a strong work ethic.

“What do they mean, the captain is not here yet? Did he wake up with a temperature of 104 Fahrenheit? Is he stuck in traffic? In other industries, such people would be held accountable.”

Nearby, a woman with an attitude problem was talking heatedly into her cellphone within earshot of us all. “Don’t you go putting pressure on me when you’re the one who caused this! How can I answer your question when you won’t answer mine? I’ve been sitting here for hours and now this stupid woman keeps telling us the plane is delayed again.”

Charming. I was dying to see the title of the book she was reading. “How to Win Enemies and Alienate People,” probably.

Next to me, a man was chastising his toddler.

“Stop whining. Why are you poking your mother in the eye? Would you like someone to poke you in the eye? Then why are you doing it? Sit down. Sit. Take your punishment. Your punishment is sitting. Stop whining. Stop asking questions for which you’ve already been given the answer. Sit down.”

By now I had little hope of making my connecting flight. I was in line at customer service to make alternate arrangements when we were finally called to board.

The captain had arrived!

Well, not that captain. It turns out that our captain was never en route. There was a crew shortage and they had to find a replacement.

Once we were all packed onto the plane, there was no apology for the misinformation we were given or the hours we had wasted.

In Toronto, I practically ran through the airport to make my connecting flight, which — surprise! — boarded late.

We were further delayed on the tarmac by the arrival of late baggage.

And during the food service, by the time the flight attendant reached the back of the plane, most of the “café menu” had been depleted.

The friendly skies, indeed.

 

Pam Frampton is The Telegram’s story editor.

Email your travel horror stories to pframpton@thetelegram.com.

Twitter: pam_frampton

Organizations: Star Alliance

Geographic location: Toronto

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Recent comments

  • Bob
    November 20, 2011 - 15:52

    Darn!! I actually enjoyed it when I was told to remove my belt. At risk of being closeted inside an 8 x 8 room with the RCMP for 8 hours I still respond: "thank you, but where were you 45 years ago"?

  • Dee
    November 20, 2011 - 13:13

    Last year while we were returning home from Florida we had to change flights in Toronto,we were 15 min.late leaving as we were waiting on a late passager that was late arriving.When he did show up he had to be escorted on the plane because he was so drunk.While passing the female steward he shouted very nasty sexual comments at her,that's when the pilot made a decision to have airport police to remove him from the flight along with my husband, 8 year old son we had to listen to his foul mouth,his abusive language screaming that he wanted just to get back from Calgary to see his kids in NL.can,t imagine being his kid,we were already 45 min.late by that time.then we had to wait another half hour so they could remove his luggage.Makes me want to ask the question,why was he even allowed to board the flight to begin with,why was,nt he cut of at the airport bar,why was,nt the airport security held responsible for allowing this drunken man go though the security when they could clearly see how drunk he was,they had to escort him right to his seat,half way though the plane,before removing him again.