Warning: Reading this column will take two minutes of your time that you will never get back.
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. He passed it off as rosacea, but everyone knew what the broken blood vessels really meant.
Rudolph loved his cloudberry schnapps, and couldn’t stop at just one. He was a drunk, and the brunt of relentless jokes.
To boost Rudolph’s self-esteem, Santa let him guide his sleigh one night. Rudolph guided it straight into a Starbucks sign. No laughing matter.
Rudolph found himself out of a job, bumming coin on the street for a swig of Moosehead. He was good at it. Few could resist his doe-eyed blink.
Then, one foggy Christmas Eve, Rudolph poured out of the Cloven Hoof after a night of tequila and road salt. He stumbled across the pavement as a pair of lights emerged through the mist. The lights grew brighter. Rudolph froze. Couldn't take ... his eyes ... off ...
He came to in hospital with two broken antlers and a fractured rib. He was lucky. The driver had only clipped him, sending him into a ditch.
Rudolph enrolled in addictions counselling and attended a few sessions. One night, after a heated exchange, Rudolph lost his cool. He trampled one of the other participants.
They kicked him out of the program.
The next day, Santa came to say enough was enough. The bad press was killing him. He set Rudolph
up in an apartment and said the cheques would keep coming as long as he stayed off the sauce.
Rudolph kicked the booze habit and started up a chapter of Citizens Against Drunken Deer. After a couple of speaking engagements and a book tour, he retreated from the public eye.
Frosty the Snowman
Frosty the Snowman was a happy, jolly soul. He liked to hang around schoolyards mingling with the kids.
Then, one day, police approached him near the projects.
“Hey, dudes, just minding my own biz here,” he said. “Why don’t y’all go hop hop hopping along.”
Turns out the “magic” in that old silk hat he wore was several ounces of premium cocaine. They offered him a deal if he gave up his supplier. Frosty wouldn’t bite. He got 10 years in the meat locker with no chance of parole until year five.
Meanwhile, sources say a new high-grade crystal meth has hit the streets. Police are on the lookout for Irene the Ice Queen.
Pedro the Christmas Chicken
Pedro the Christmas Chicken couldn't wait. It was almost Christmas, and soon he would be bringing joy to a child’s face.
“A toy is never truly happy until it is loved by a child,” Santa told him.
Soon the big day arrived. Pedro waited anxiously under the tree for the children to come scurrying downstairs.
And scurry they did. When they saw Pedro, they squealed in delight,
“Look! It’s Pedro the Christmas Chicken!” they shouted. Before he knew it, the children had him strung up by his ankles and were beating him mercilessly.
“Ow!” cried Pedro, but no one listened. Why were they being so cruel? This was pretty tough love.
Pedro felt faint, and started to pass out. The children just kept pummeling him until his insides spilled out all over the floor.
The children laughed hysterically.
Pedro, it turns out, was a piñata.
Peter Jackson is The Telegram’s
commentary editor. Email: email@example.com.