“First of all, from what I understand from doctors, (pregnancy from rape) is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
— Missouri Republican Senate candidate Todd Akin, Aug. 19
Three cheers for U.S. senatorial candidate Todd Akin for finally unveiling some little-known facts about the female body.
He is absolutely right, of course. A woman’s body knows when something is not right. When unwanted intercourse is detected, the pleasure sensors immediately disengage, the cervix puts up a sort of deflector shield and the egg is protected. It’s all very technical, but that’s basically how it works.
It’s important to distinguish, of course, between legitimate rape and false rape. The latter occurs when a woman says no but really means yes. It’s simple, really. If a woman gets pregnant, the rape is not legitimate.
Of course, the best way to avoid unwanted pregnancy is for the woman to stand up as she’s being raped. As everyone knows, it’s impossible to get pregnant when the woman is standing. Or when she’s a virgin — no one gets pregnant the first time around.
It’s unfortunate that “women’s groups” and “sexual health advocates” and “doctors” are spreading malicious falsehoods about the ins and outs of sex and pregnancy.
Take the Girl Guides and Girl Scouts. Indiana lawmaker Bob Morris has finally lifted the veil on these radical groups. They’ve been infiltrated by Planned Parenthood, and are trying to sexualize young girls and turn them into lesbians.
Broadcaster Rush Limbaugh put it best: “Feminism has led women astray. I love women. I don’t know how this all got started. I love the women’s movement, especially when walking behind it.”
It is high time someone got the straight facts out there.
Fact: a woman can avoid pregnancy by showering or bathing immediately after sex. This seems so obvious, yet thousands of women become pregnant every year by skipping this simple act of hygiene. (Note: they should never bathe in the same tub a man has used within the past 24 hours.)
Fact: a woman who’s breastfeeding cannot get pregnant. That’s because God wants to make sure she doesn’t have babies too close together. Similarly, a woman cannot get pregnant while she’s menstruating.
Fact: a woman can avoid getting pregnant after sex by jumping up and down, or by coughing or sneezing. This dislodges the sperm from the egg. No need for explanation here.
Girls are being led astray by so-called sex education in our schools. It’s like giving kids a how-to manual on being a sex maniac. No wonder there are so many teenage pregnancies. Kids are getting the wrong message.
It’s not up to parents and teachers to discuss sex with children. That’s indecent. Down through history, humans have learned about sex the usual way — in the backseat of a Chevy.
That’s where you learn, for example, why it’s unhealthy for a boy with an erection not to have sex. It could lead to serious complications. Girls, on the other hand, should know that they will prematurely lose their virginity if they use tampons.
Women’s health is too important to be left in the hands of women. Women are too emotionally unstable to deal with the most important facets of the female condition.
What’s needed is a qualified commission of inquiry to examine these delicate topics and afford them the depth of study they deserve. Only the most prominent businessmen, politicians, clergy and Bible scholars should be considered for this important work.
Women deserve no less.
Peter Jackson is The Telegram’s commentary editor.
None of the “facts” presented here are true. Email: email@example.com.