Now, step right up

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Step right up! A little closer now. Here's your chance to be a part of history in the making.

Witness the strangest and most exotic things you'll ever see. Sideshows and freak shows. We've got tigers with no teeth. Elephants with no trunks.

We've got bearded turtles and hairless apes. We've got a half woman, half man. We've got a shinto, hindu, voodoo guru.

Check it out!

It's all right here.

You think you've seen it all.

You've seen lambs lie down with lions, big boys cryin', pigs flyin'.

You've seen politicians fumble, buildings crumble, the proud tumble.

But you ain't seen nothing yet.

Now, for one time only, we've got the most amazing sight you'll ever see.

We've got a mayor. But not just any mayor.

We've got the mayor of Toronto.

He's big and jolly. He's mean and nasty.

And he smokes crack cocaine.

That's right, all you have to do is put a little money in the pot, and you can see the mayor of Toronto smoke drugs from a glass pipe.

He laughs, he coughs, he zigs and zags. He says crazy things about inner city kids.

We'll let you watch him for a full 90 seconds. That's right: 90 whole seconds.

Don't be frightened.

He doesn't bite.

He's right here, behind this curtain.

Just put in your dollar and I'll give him a holler.

Better yet, put in $50 and we'll give you this amazing book. It has all the mayor's most outrageous moments.

Or put in $150 and we'll give you a Canadian flag with my name on it.

Your own souvenir to remind you of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Could be worth millions some day.

Just step right up.

What's that, sir?

What's that you say?

You want to give your money to charity?

Well, sir, there's a little pot over there for tornado victims. And there's another one for refugees and starving orphans.

Go ahead, waste your money. Throw it away on fleeting fads. Dead people don't need your money, sir. And the living can take care of themselves.

Here's where the real action is. This is what the world has been waiting for. Never in your wildest dreams will you have another chance like this.

So, step right up, folks.

Don't be shy.

A mayor on crack.

Don't pass it by!

Geographic location: Toronto

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Recent comments

  • SD Redgrave
    SD Redgrave
    May 25, 2013 - 06:56

    Pathetic, truly pathetic.

  • Herb Morrison
    May 24, 2013 - 14:57

    Seems to me that the person, who penned this particular column, is attempting to make a point pertaining to the sense of appropriate priorities, or lack thereof, of a significant segment segment of the general populace, which seems more preoccuped with the alleged, morally corrupt, not to mention legally questionable activities of public figures while, at the same time, choosing to ignore cries for help from those in are world who are suffering from depravation, perhaps lacking even the basic necessities of life, which most of us take for granted. What statement IS made about peoples' sense of priorities, or lack thereof, by the reality that people appear to enjoy either sniffing around in politicians' dirty laundry or fascinated by the spectacle of these people wallowing in the muck in a cesspool of their own creation? Especially given the fact that their time could be better spent extending a helping hand to those in need.

  • david
    May 24, 2013 - 11:53

    Dear Telegram: No one cares about Toronto, let alone anyone here. Cut-and-paste something else to fill your newspaper please. (PS - Marion Barry. Look it up.)

    • Chantal
      May 24, 2013 - 16:55

      No David YOU don't care about Toronto. For the rest of us, the world continues outside of Newfoundland, or in your case, your nose. If the rest of the world offends you, as apparently it does, go turn on VOCM.

    • a business man
      May 24, 2013 - 19:46

      speak for yourself....Toronto is far more important to me than Newfoundland ever could be

    • david
      May 25, 2013 - 11:24

      Notwithstanding that there is already at least one daily you can pick up to feed your craving for news of the 'Big Smoke' ....... Wow! Sticking up for Toronto (yes Toronto!) to score a childish point on a messageboard. Only in Newfoundland.

  • Jay
    May 24, 2013 - 11:47

    Speaking of crack cocaine. There must be a new batch in town.

  • Confused
    May 24, 2013 - 11:47

    What is this? A joke? There is a joke on my computer that’s for sure and I'm starting to believe it's the Telegram. Really, is this the work of an educated journalist? I don’t even know what to say. But if you were looking to write a piece regarding the public’s reaction to Fords recent news then I’m sure a 6yr old could have done a better job. Color me unimpressed…and confused.

  • Eli
    May 24, 2013 - 11:37

    Again, SAELCOVE leaves me scratching my head.

  • saelcove
    May 24, 2013 - 11:20

    Any wonder why kid bully when reading this garbage