ED SMITH
The Telegram

Lets establish something about the word “fart.”
First, it’s a long recognized, bona fide English word going way back. I refer you to Chaucer’s “Canterbury Tales,” written in the 14th century. It’s not a sin or a crime to use it today. Possibly a faux pas.
Some people are inexplicably offended by the word “fart.” The English, however, are a very dignified and genteel people, so I will say it the way they do.
Nevertheless, you have my permission to use the word “fart” every time the word “fawt” appears in this text.
Do so especially if you’re reading to your old-fashioned grandmother, and you get sick of “fawt” and “fart” seems much more appropriate to the occasion.
The factual information used herein comes from a writer named Brenna Lorenz. The name and the context would suggest she is a lady. Whatever, the research is obviously medically and scientifically sound. (Words in parentheses, on the other hand, are mine.)
The information is another “View” service to you. You may thank me at your convenience.
 
Question: Does everyone fawt?
Answer: (Only if they’re alive.) Yes, everyone. People have been known to pass gas after being dead for a few minutes. (I had a distant cousin who did that. Frightened the hell of the family at the time. Some of them got saved on the spot.)

Question: Where does fawt gas come from?
Answer: (From your backside, you moron!) No, seriously, from the air we swallow, gas seeping into our intestines, gas produced by chemical reactions in our guts and from bacterial action in our guts.
 
Question: Why do fawts make a noise?
Answer: (Because we try hard to make them?) Nope, from the expulsion of gas through the rectum. The quality and decibel depend upon the force of gas expelled.
 
Question: Why do fawts smell?
Answer: (Fawts don’t smell, you idiot. Humans and other animals smell. Fawts stink.) Because of small amounts of hydrogen sulfide in the gas. Foods such as cauliflower, meats and eggs are notorious for stinky fawts.
 
Question: How does a fawt travel to the bum?
Answer: (It’s working toward the light at the end of the tunnel.) No, you idiot! Through a series of muscle contractions in the intestines called peristalsis, which is stimulated by eating.
 
Question: Why do fawts come out of your butt?
Answer: (A wise and kindly Creator.) Because that’s where your backside is, stupid. Would you prefer they came out of your head?
 
Question: Do men fawt more than women?
Answer: No, it’s just that men take more pride in it than women. (Along with money in your pocket, keys to a car, and sexual prowess, fawting is one of the coveted signs of manhood.)
 
Question: Why are beans so notorious for making stinky fawts?
Answer: (Because of the song, “Beans, beans, the musical fruit.”) Because beans contain sugars which humans find hard to digest. The bacteria in our intestines go wild, eat huge amounts of sugar and produce prodigious amounts of gas. Other notorious fawt-producing foods are corn, bell peppers, cauliflower, cabbage, bread, eggs, raisins, pease pudding and beer.
 
Question: Is a fawt just a burp that’s gone backwards?
Answer: ( I hope not. Can you imagine a fawt whistling through your teeth?) No, a burp comes from the stomach and has different chemical composition. A fawt comes from the intestines and has much more bacteria gas content.
 
Question: What are some strategies for covering up a fawt?
Answer: (For smell, exclaim sternly, “Bad dog, Spot!”) For sound, if at a table with others, look quickly with a disapproving frown at the person next to you. For smell (In Corner Brook) complain about the wind blowing from the paper mill. (For sound in a group, look critically at someone you know and say, "What in hell have you been eating, Dave?!” If with a small child, say sweetly, “That’s enough of that, baby!” Then say to those closest, “We just can’t feed her Libby’s brown beans with molasses and pork!”) Last ditch strategy: don’t cover it up. Stand up and take ownership. Proclaim the fawt to be your own and challenge anyone in your group to do better!
 
Question: Is it really possible to ignite fawts?
Answer: (Where do you think “aspirins” come from?) Yes, but somebody’s research shows that roughly one-quarter of people who try it come away with some kind of injury. Don’t play with fire!
 
Question: Is it true that cow fawts contribute to global warming?
Answer: (Possibly, but they don’t do much for me in January) It has always been thought so, but recent research shows that cows produce more methane through their mouths than through their rear ends. (Same is true for some politicians.)
 
Question: Is it possible for a fawt to kill you?
Answer: The medical answer is no. However, one source claims that in the Second World War, some 1,000 to 2,000 airmen were killed in B-17 bombers, which operated at 20,000 feet and were not pressurized. Consequently, the gas would expand and sometimes rupture the intestines.
 
Question: Can excessive fawting cause impotence?
Answer: Depends entirely on the tolerance level of the person with whom you are trying to be potent.
 
 Question:  What colour are fawts?
Answer: (Depends on the skin colour of the person producing them.) Not really. Fawt gas is colourless. If they were orange, the colour of nitrogen dioxide, you could always tell who in the crowd actually fawted.
 
Question: Is there any poetry about fawting?
Answer: (Sure, apart from the aforementioned “Canterbury Tales” and the ubiquitous “Beans, beans, the musical fruit.” My favorite …)
A little gush of wind comes straight from your heart,
It trickles down your backbone, and is sometimes called a fart.
It takes away your tummyache and gives your heart some ease,
And freshens up the mattress and suffocates the fleas.
 
Question: Should I enjoy my fawts?
Answer: (Why not? Somebody should.)

Ed Smith is an author who lives in Springdale.  His e-mail address is   edsmith@nf.sympatico.ca.