ST. JOHN'S, N.L. — International Pride Month ended with a particularly special festivity for LBGTQ2+ activist Gemma Hickey and Breakwater Books president Rebecca Rose – a wedding.
The pair wed on Saturday, taking a different approach to a traditionally religious and heteronormative celebration.
With Hickey well known for LBGTQ2+ activism and founding Pathways NL, an organization that aims to help those who have experienced abuse at religious institutions, Hickey and Rose put a lot of careful thought into the details of their wedding day.
“We’re both feminists, so we talked about what marriage as an institution meant for us based on its historicity of a woman being considered as property,” Hickey explained.
“Both of our parents are divorced, so we talked about what our relationship would look like. How we could be different, yet traditional.”
They opted for “queering” traditions and bucking gender norms.
“‘Queering’ something is a term used in academic circles about changing the original meaning of something that’s usually exclusively heteronormative,” Hickey explained days before the wedding.
“Heteronormative” refers to heterosexuality as the “norm” for sexual orientation, while “gender norms,” or “gender roles,” is a perceived role of acceptable social behaviours based on a person’s sex.
“We’re both feminists, so we talked about what marriage as an institution meant for us based on its historicity of a woman being considered as property." — Gemma Hickey
Few events are traditionally more heteronormative than a wedding – think about the prevalent use of gendered terms like bride and groom, bridesmaids, groomsmen and little games that divide the sexes, like bouquet tosses for women and garter belt tosses for men. Gender is often even present in the wedding cake – you can picture the little male in a tux and a female in a white gown adorning the dessert.
So what does a non-binary, non-religious wedding look like? You may be surprised at just how similar the celebrations are.
People standing in at Hickey and Rose’s wedding were referred to simply as wedding parties, instead of bridesmaids or groomsmen. All single persons of all genders were welcome to participate in the bouquet toss, instead of just the single ladies.
“We didn’t go with the traditional bride and groom as our topper,” Hickey explained.
“Two grooms and two brides didn’t quite fit either, so we have our initials – G&R,” Hickey said.
The language during the ceremony was gender neutral. Instead of, “I now pronounce you husband and wife,” the pair said, “I do” to their “lawful wedded spouse.”
After the vows, exchanging of rings, signing of the register and the declaration of marriage, the officiant, instead of saying the typical, “You may now kiss the bride,” gave the newlyweds permission to “kiss one another.”
Considering Rose’s work in publishing, and Hickey’s writing and activism regarding clergy abuse, it’s unsurprising that the pair opted for poetry readings instead of Bible verses, also featuring eight poems framed on cocktail tables during the reception.
Rose’s father read a poem during the ceremony, and Hickey’s first cousin read “Something New” by local poet Michael Crummey.
Hickey and Rose’s choice in wedding colours may surprise some, but there was, again, a lot of thought and careful consideration put into the palette.
“Our colours are pink and blue, which are colours of the transgender flag,” Hickey said, noting that these colour choices are also a nod to the “queering” of colours associated with gender.
“Boys are usually associated with blue and girls with pink, but we chose those colours because we want to show that it doesn’t matter,” Hickey said. “I believe these colours were assigned by a marketing company in the sixties to gender.”
A little research and an article from the Smithsonian back up Hickey’s claim – in the early 1900s, pink was considered a stronger colour, more suitable for a boy, whereas dainty and delicate blue was more suitable for women. Blue for men and pink for women only became the norm in the early 1980s, according to Jo B. Paoletti, historian and author of “Pink and Blue: Telling the Girls From the Boys in America.”
“I’m non-binary and though I present as transmasculine, I like the colour blue and I like the colour pink,” Hickey said.
As for the couple's outfits, Rose wore an ivory wedding dress, while Hickey wore a navy tux with an ivory tie.
“She feels comfortable in dresses. Although I’m sure she could rock a tux,” Hickey said of Rose's clothing choice. “I, on the other hand, have never liked wearing dresses.”
“I, on the other hand, have never liked wearing dresses.” — Hickey
Hickey and Rose suggested outfits for their wedding parties based on their colour scheme, but were flexible and happy to accommodate freedom of expression.
Many of the attending women wore blush dresses, and the men were in navy suits with blush ties. One woman opted to change into a tux for the reception.
Their flower girl wore an ivory dress similar to Rose’s, while the page boy wore a navy suit and ivory tie, “to be like me, which is what he wanted,” Hickey said.
During the wedding ceremony, “both of Rebecca’s parents are walking her down the row/aisle, but I’ll be waiting up front,” Hickey said, “not because I’m the ‘groom,’ but because my father isn’t well and, unfortunately, can’t attend the ceremony.”
However, one part of Hickey and Rose’s wedding that was truly outside of “normal” tradition was that drag queens performed at the reception.
Rose and Hickey’s love story is quite of the “norm” per se – the pair are friends turned lovers.
“Rebecca is a publisher, and I’m a poet,” Hickey said. “She and I first met thirteen years ago because she was interested in my poetry manuscript.”
Its title was “The Trouble With Poets.”
Rose clearly had no trouble with this particular poet – she liked Hickey’s poetry, and wanted to meet.
Friends for a decade, Hickey and Rose became an item three years ago, with Hickey proposing during Christmas 2017. The pair are also working together to publish Hickey’s non-fiction novel “Almost Feral” through Breakwater Books later this year.
“I’m a hopeful romantic, so I really liked the idea of choosing one person to be with. Out of everyone in the entire world, I choose you to be with, to stand by, through thick and thin and declare it in front of loved ones,” Hickey said.
“I knew Rebecca would be surprised and moved by the gesture, so I got a ring custom-made for her in white gold. There are two strands tied together in a Celtic knot and diamonds placed throughout the weave. It’s not a traditional diamond ring, but I knew she wouldn’t want that. I wrapped the ring box up and hid it in the Christmas tree.”
Upon Rose finding the hidden “decoration,” Hickey got down on one knee and proposed.
Longtime friend and former St. John’s mayor Shannie Duff married the duo at the Johnson Geo Centre.
Hickey chose this particular venue based on the proximity of Hickey's late grandmother’s house, in an area where Hickey spent a lot of time in childhood.
Just as the officiant was not a priest, the venue was not a church.
Rose is not religious, and Hickey left the church around a decade ago, due to homophobia and transphobia.
“My advocacy is my ministry now,” Hickey said.
Security was present, “to make sure my day is stress-free and that any unwanted guests who have an intention not to be kind aren’t an issue,” Hickey explained.
This is an unfortunate reality for many people who publicly rally for equal rights in the LBTGQ2+ community.
The wedding was attended by a number of advocates from various communities, especially the LBGTQ2+ community, as well as colleagues, family and friends.
The fun could be summed up in their wedding hashtags: #GemmaPickedARose and #RebeccaGotAHickey.
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