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Extra! Extra! A news forecast for 2016


Author’s note: I’ve had a vision, a journalistic vision: mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of stories, all of them appearing a year from now, in February 2016, in The Telegram.

Danny names names

By Robyn Reporter

The Telegram

ST. JOHN’S — Danny Williams has decided to name each building in his mammoth Galway development after himself.

A spokesperson for the former premier confirmed for The Telegram that reaction to the documentary “Danny,” which premiered in fall 2014 to rave reviews from appreciative Williams disciples, all still suffering from Williams Withdrawal at the time, convinced the lawyer/businessman/politician that the Newfoundland public would embrace numerous monuments to his legacy throughout the Galway area.  

And now that construction has started on the development, it’s time, the spokesperson said, to display tangible signs of the former premier’s saintly popularity.

 For instance, there will be: The Danny Williams Shopping Centre, The Danny Williams Theatre, The Danny Williams Veterinary Clinic, The Danny Williams Municipal Depot, The Danny Williams Fish ’n’ Chips Restaurant, The Danny Williams Fire Hall, The Danny Williams Softball Park, The Danny Williams Arena, The Danny Williams Boulevard, The Danny Williams Tattoo Shop, and, naturally, The Danny Williams Courthouse.  

In a related story, Williams announced he is suing a beagle who wandered away from his rabbit hunting party near Cochrane Pond and ventured onto the Galway property.

“He was trespassing,” Williams said, “and he was also insulting me.”

Williams said he hired the famous Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan, and flew him to Newfoundland to interpret tape of what the beagle had been barking.

“The beagle had the gall to call me a narcissist,” the former premier charged.

        ***

       

Davis secure in Labrador

By Scoop Sentinel

The Telegram

 

GOOSE BAY — Former Premier Paul Davis is now working as a security guard at the mothballed Muskrat Falls project, The Telegram has learned.

“Well, it certainly doesn’t pay as well as that last job I had at Confederation Building,” Davis understated when tracked down by a Telegram reporter, “but it beats unemployment.”

And he added: “I get to carry a gun again, as well.”

Davis also admitted for the first time that he delayed the 2015 election call until he could be sure of a full MHA pension.

“I knew we were going to get clobbered whenever the election took place, even after we gerrymandered the districts,” Davis acknowledged,  “so I can’t see how anybody could blame me for taking care of my financial well-being.”

And those Dale Carnegie courses were expensive, albeit useless, the former premier said.

Davis took the job at Muskrat Falls just after the project was shut down when the price of a barrel of oil dipped last summer to the price of a carton of milk.

Dale Kirby and Chris Mitchelmore, two of only a handful of Liberals defeated in the 2015 election, also competed for the security jobs, but were unsuccessful, despite their knowledge of sneak attacks.   

        ***

      

Manning weathering the storm  

 

ST. JOHN’S — Judy Manning has added another shadow cabinet position to her growing portfolio.

Manning, the only PC to win a seat in last fall’s provincial election, says she’s delighted to become the first weather critic in legislative history, and it’s a responsibility she doesn’t take lightly.

“My job will be to watch Ryan Snoddon and Eddie Sheerr closely, to keep an eye on each of their 14 weather hits on the evening newscasts,” Manning said, “and draw the public’s attention to their forecasting mistakes.”

The Tory leader is currently shadowing 18 ministers in the House of Assembly, a task she says is not onerous.

“All I wanted from the outset was to display my talents and intellect,” said the forever modest Manning.  

“And if it took the destruction of the Tory party to give me this profile, then so be it,” she said, wearing a smile from ear to ear throughout the news conference.

“When all is said and done, it’s all about me.”      

        

***

Premier Ball

to give policy statement

 

ST. JOHN’S — After five months in power, Premier Dwight Ball says he is almost ready to unveil his administration’s fiscal strategy for the province.

“Yes, I sat on my arse for over a year when I was leader of the Opposition, and said and did nothing of consequence during that time when Mr. What’shisname was making a mess of things,” Ball said, in a moment of uncharacteristic candour, “and, the next thing I knew, I was premier.

“So I figured I might continue to take the same approach as head of the government — use the Frank Moores approach, relax, take it easy, chill out. … without the booze and women, of course.”

Ball — nicknamed “the Man From Glad” by some heartless pundit — said he would unveil his financial strategy in time for the next election campaign, in about three years’ time.

 

Bob Wakeham has spent more than 40 years as a journalist in Newfoundland and Labrador. He can be reached by email at bwakeham@nl.rogers.com.­

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