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Ten years from now, in 2025, I’m told by a cheap clairvoyant, Telegram stories may contain the following:

        DUMARESQUE WANTS HEALTHY REMUNERATION

By Sam Scoop

The Telegram

ST. JOHN’S—Danny Dumaresque has billed the province for $100 million.

Standing atop a rust-coated building at the mothballed Muskrat Falls project yesterday afternoon, Dumaresque claimed exclusive responsibility for having finally convinced the province that the hydro project was a disaster and had to be stopped.

“It was me, I did it!” screamed the rotund Dumaresque into a redundant bullhorn.

“And I demand to be reimbursed.”

Dumaresque said he has given it his all to make Newfoundland a better place in which to live, and that there should be a paycheque “at the end of the day” for such “selfless activities.”

 

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TRUDEAU GOES CRACKERS

By Sally Sycophant

The Telegram’s Ottawa Bureau

OTTAWA—Prime Minister Justin Trudeau experienced an embarrassing case of “the munchies” during yesterday’s sitting of Parliament.

Trudeau, who had marijuana legalized 10 years ago, shortly after winning the federal election, had apparently toked up in the caucus room with several cabinet ministers just before the session began, and the incredible desire to eat that often accompanies a marijuana stone kicked in during question period.

Opposition Leader Tom Mulcair rose on a point of privilege to complain to the Speaker that Trudeau was sloppily eating crackers that were dropping to the floor of the House of Commons.

Just after sitting down, though, Mulcair could be heard saying to Trudeau: “Psst, psst, Justin, pass that roach over here, will ya?”

 

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KIRBY’S GANG LAUNCHES REVOLT

By Pete Paragraph

The Telegram

CORNER BROOK—Following a vicious, caucus revolt, Dale Kirby has emerged as the leader of the Liberal Party of Newfoundland and Labrador.

“It was a matter of principle,” Kirby said of his decision to lead a rebellion against Dwight Ball, “the same sort of principle that prompted me to stab Lorraine Michael in the back over a decade ago.”

In the case of Mr. Ball, Kirby said, it wasn’t an easy move to make.

“But I didn’t like the way he failed to sometimes pronounce his Hs,” Kirby said, “and as a former university professor, I found that it angered me to a point where I had to take a stand.”

Ball’s Liberals lost the 2020 provincial election to the Tories, now led by Premier Judy Manning (whose victory has been attributed to her gutsy ploy to place a fake PC tattoo on her face), and he was his characteristically stoic self when informed that he had been supplanted by Kirby.

“I’m going back home to Corner Brook,” he said. “I’ve been offered a job as a mannequin in a clothing store out there.”

 

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MCCURDY GETS MOUTHY

By Bob Bull

The Telegram

 

ST. JOHN’S—Earle McCurdy, the lone NDP member in the House of Assembly, is seeking more money for seniors’ dental plans.

Rising in the legislature yesterday, McCurdy, now 75 years of age, said his own experience makes the issue very personal.

“It’s been hard to try and save the province, to keep the fracking advocates at bay, and keep arts financing going, when your dentures keep dropping,” McCurdy said.

The NDP leader said he had been asked by his fellow residents at St. Luke’s Mercy Home to bring the matter to the House of Assembly.

 

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DAVIS HAS A MESSAGE

By Dan Deadline

The Telegram

CONCEPTION BAY SOUTH—Former Premier Paul Davis has started a motivational speakers’ bureau in his former district.

“I think the fact that I was able to be premier of Newfoundland and Labrador for one whole year should be inspirational to others,” Davis said, “and it’s a message I want to pass along: if I can do it, anybody can.”

Davis said he is also trying to encourage people to ignore insults.

“Look, a lot of my critics kept saying I never rose above the rank of constable in the police force, that I never even made sergeant, that I was never a leader of men and women,” Davis said.

“But I showed ’em.”

 

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CLEARY SAYS HE’S THE MAN

By Pat Period

The Telegram

ST. JOHN’S—Ryan Cleary has started his own political party.

“It’s called the RC Party,” Cleary said at news conference yesterday, “and that stands for Ryan Cleary, not Roman Catholic.”

Cleary has run for the Tories, the Liberals, the NDP, the Green Party, the Communist Party, the Newfoundland Party, the Labrador Party, and the I’s the B’y Party, but has apparently concluded that the Ryan Cleary Party is the one he wanted all along.

“It’s all about me,” he said. “It’s always been about me, and I may as well admit that that’s the case and have my political party reflect that fact.”

Since getting four votes in the 2015 election while running for the PCs, Cleary, who was wearing a small picture of himself in his lapel at yesterday’s news conference, has been writing an autobiography, tentatively titled: “The Professional Newfoundlander.”

 

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Bob Wakeham has spent more than 40 years as a journalist in Newfoundland and Labrador.

He can be reached by email at bwakeham@nl.rogers.com.­

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