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Letter: The truth and nothing but the truth

When it comes to the announcement of jobs, politicians are usually quick to trot out the numbers in "person-years." —
Guess who's running in the district of Dire Straits? —

The next election is not too far off for many voters and for many others it’s too far off. It’s never too early to start adrift one’s political platitudes for the next election. I’m advocating right now that when elected in the next election, I will not join any of the three traditional provincial do-nothing, spendthrift-everything parties, but assure every eligible and non-eligible voter that I will sit as an independent, in the hall next to the fire escape if necessary.

An independent what party? Well, I’m not sure yet, but it will be an independent something or other and you can quote me on that. Oops, let something out of the secret political bag as it were. Well, it’s out now, it’s in black and white and I can’t take it back, it’s on the record, so to speak. You coaxed it out of me, so here it is. I’m in. It’s early but rather than wait for a call from the premier, my handlers (members of the immediate and extended family) and I have decided to run in the next provincial election in that wonderful, foggy, rugged landscape once known to puffins and the great auk as Dire Straits.

It will be the new look and the new hook for the future. I will be saying much more about this and that in the media, but in the end it will mean absolutely nothing, as in zero, zilch. That is the only promise I will make.

Yes, I know and you know, and I know you know that we have all been told millennium times about Dire Straits; it’s poverty, economic downturns, endless unemployment, abundance of taxes, overtaxed workers, overpaid politicians, extravagant gas prices, horrendous home energy costs soon to skyrocket, false promises, and can’t do this and can’t do that. Well, it’s over. Voters called, texted and twittered and I reluctantly listened, read and responded. I assured every voter, eligible and non, that I will not be a party to any hanky-panky, fraudulence, flatulence, or any of the malarkey currently going on in the House. I will not stand for it nor sit for it at any time.

It will be more of a balanced, laid-back kind of approach. It will be the new look and the new hook for the future. I will be saying much more about this and that in the media, but in the end it will mean absolutely nothing, as in zero, zilch. That is the only promise I will make. Even if I guarantee it, don’t believe me, I have no intention of doing it and I say that with a sincere heart, believe you me.

I want to be the first candidate out of the gate, off the block, to get my name out there and be the first unelected wanna-be politician to be nominated so I can move forward relentlessly with my candidacy and campaign. I call it the Double C or the CCDS. If I’m not too busy campaigning or too lazy to campaign, I may get the valuable time needed to drop a few lines to The People’s Paper from time to time, to share some singular insights about Dire Straits as I go about the business of increasing my perks, salary and gold-plated pension for the ultimate good of the people of this great wasteland of dashed hopes and hopeless projects. There will be no more billions or trillions spent on damnfalls or mothballs, you can count on that. Get your dories and handlines ready, folks — have not will be no more. The cod are calling from the deep bays of Dire Straits.

Ladies and gentlemen of Dire Straits, I have every confidence that you will make the right decision when your divine right to vote presents itself, that you will do the right thing for your pitiful districts and vote clearly, decisively and often for the independent what candidates. Past politicians have done it, and in very recent times, others have done it, I can do it and we can do it.

Or you can do it, but please don’t run in Dire Straits, it’s already taken. Run somewhere else for the good of yourself and your family and, of course, the few working diehards of Dire Straits., etc., etc., the usual political double speak ad infinitum. Let’s make Dire Straits Great Again.

P.J. Dwyer

Gander

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