My father is 90 years old and still drives to and from the grocery store, despite our cautions and concerns. Last week he caused an accident but thankfully no one was hurt. He’s a proud and independent man so it will be difficult for him if he stops driving but it’s gone too far since he doesn’t even remember hitting the car. I have no idea how to deal with this situation without deeply offending him. What should I do?
Jenny
This is such a difficult subject but it’s one you don’t want to put off. After all, I personally have grave concerns about drivers of all ages, with the distractions vying for our attention in every moment, from the screen, to the audiobook, to the business phone calls to the substance usage, etc. I know I’ve found myself engaging in a hands-free conversation without fully attending to the massive responsibility of driving a two-ton vehicle around town.
I think your question is a great reminder for all of us, from the adolescent to the elderly, that when we slide behind the wheel, we’re piloting a machine that can very easily wreak havoc if we’re not on our game.
That said, depending on the province, there are different requirements for seniors and driving tests. While we have to be mindful of our biases toward the elderly, I do believe seniors' loved ones need to take an active role in monitoring their capacities. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have my parent deal with the loss of independence versus the deep remorse of taking someone’s life.
Here are three steps you can take to ensure your parent or aging friend is fit to be driving:
· Start the conversation early by asking supportive questions about their health and abilities
· Remind your parents regularly of the responsibility they are taking on when they sit behind the wheel and the risks that are involved
· If concerns do arise, call their doctor to voice your fears with concrete evidence of their failing abilities
Blair
We need to be careful here, as we don’t want everyone reading this column to go away and scrutinize their aging parents driving abilities. I have a family member who was once told by their driving instructor that some people just shouldn’t drive, and they were one of them (and they passed their test on the first try).
I actually called my insurance company and they reported that it’s in the hands of the individual’s doctor to monitor their abilities. They also said that we must approach this subject with great sensitivity, as we don’t want to discriminate against age. Ultimately, this decision lies in the hands of people who are qualified to assess a person’s cognitive and physical competency with regards to driving. That said, your situation leaves me wondering if we have enough enforcements in place to ensure the safety of all.
Your anxiety about offending your dad is valid, as we all want our parents’ esteem to remain intact as they progress into a phase of life that can feel diminishing. However, this seems like a bold warning that his abilities are in question and now is a great time to put forth your concerns.
Imagine if this accident had had a worse outcome? Sometimes we have to let go of the fear of offending others, in order to do the right thing. It sounds like the right thing in this situation is to confront the reality of his diminishing cognitive state.
Start the conversation by affirming your intention to support your father and acknowledge the strengths that he still possesses. Then bring up your concerns without sugar coating the gravity of the situation. Finally, provide alternatives for not driving so he still has the freedom to get his needs met and maintains a sense of control over his life.
Be brave, be kind, good luck!
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