Remembrance Day has just passed and everyone is getting geared up for Christmas already. They say it’s the most wonderful time of the year but I’m dreading it because it’s a week of putting up with a family drunk fest. I don’t want to hurt my family’s feelings, but I don’t want to be a part of the scene anymore. How do I get through this without causing too much turmoil within the family?
Blair
Hear these words: you are not responsible for taking care of your family’s feelings. This doesn’t mean you can be careless and hurtful, but you can and should take care of yourself the way you need to.
As a child of an alcoholic myself, I can readily identify in social situations, when drinking is getting out of hand. When the social drinking starts to escalate to a point where I’m feeling uncomfortable, I make my exit. If you want to try this strategy, you can either slide out quietly or touch base with someone who is sober to let them know you’re taking your leave. They may not appreciate your early departure from the festivities so you might want to have an explanation at the ready. You could also, upon arrival, state upfront that you’ll be staying for dinner but leaving before dessert to hit another party (but really, so you can avoid the heavy drinking phase of the evening).
Depending on your situation, you might suggest to your family that you have alcohol free days during the holidays, to set a good example for the younger generations who are always watching your behavior. You will most certainly get resistance from those who use alcohol as fuel for a supposedly good time but some may jump on the idea. Each person can make their own decision to attend the alcohol-free events or not.
That said, you cannot demand responsible drinking from family members, they will live as they choose to live and you can do the same for your own life.
As always, I recommend that you reach out to a therapist that specializes in addictions or join a self-help group such as Al-ANON to determine what a healthy family drinking dynamic is and what is not.
Jenny
There (hopefully) comes a point in everyone’s life where we pause and reflect on the family behaviors we’ve grown up with. Ideally, we take the traditions that nourish us and implement them into our adult lives, and we allow the ones that have a negative impact to fall away. Sounds like you’ve outgrown this aspect of your family dynamic, which is a really big part of the experience you share together. Sometimes, saying no to others in order to say yes to ourselves is one of the most challenging things we’ll ever do, but it’s important that you honour this need.
As you forge a new path and make different choices for yourself, be sure to remain respectful of your family members and not place yourself on a righteous pedestal. We are all authors of our own lives, and we must allow everyone to live as they choose to without judging them harshly.
That being said, every time we make healthy choices that align with our best life, we inspire others to do the same. So don’t worry, you’re choice to embrace sobriety will inevitably have an impact on someone in some way, and if not, that’s OK too.
At the beginning, they may ask a lot of questions or try to pressure you into a drink or two to help themselves feel more comfortable about their own drinking habits. Again, the choice is yours to talk about it, change the subject or just let it drop.
It’s interesting that we tend to focus a great deal on ensuring physical safety in our relationships with others, but emotional safety is just as important.
Can you identify a specific behavior that indicates the point at which you start to feel uneasy, like verbal slurs or violent dialogue and use that as your cue to leave? And if you show up and it’s already to that point, can you give yourself permission to leave? Setting clear boundaries for ourselves is an essential step in our self-care regimen. This doesn’t mean that you no longer love your family, it just means that you love yourself so much that you’re willing to take care, even at the risk of offending others.
Finally, it’s so important to reward ourselves for making healthy choices in a world that presents so many opportunities to over-indulge. What self-loving treat can you give yourself after an evening of setting boundaries and honouring your needs? A gentle yoga practice? A warm bubble bath? A walk through the woods? A hot cup of tea with an enticing book?
What may start out as a colossal, disruptive gesture, will over time, become your new normal so stick with it to eventually reap the rewards.
