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KEELYWOOD: From Kirkpatrick to Pratt, check out the rankings of Hollywood Chrises

Who is the best Chris? Chris Pratt, of course.
Who is the best Chris? Chris Pratt, of course.

There are too many celebrities named Chris, so I had to rate them and relate them to cocktails for you.

Chris Kirkpatrick - 2/10

Chris Kirkpatrick was in N*Sync, but he wasn’t Justin Timberlake or Lance Bass. If Chris Kirkpatrick were a cocktail he’d be boxed wine – basic, cheap, but still performs well.

Chris Martin - 4/10

Chris Martin is the singer in Coldplay and he was previously married to and then consciously uncoupled from Gwyneth Paltrow. He dated Jennifer Lawrence for a while, which upped his Chris cool points, but unfortunately, something about him just irks me. If Chris Martin were a cocktail, he’d be Gin and Tonic; good in theory, sounds cool, but tastes like trees and makes you gassy.

Chris Noth - 5/10

Chris Noth is best known for playing Mr. Big in Sex and the City. He’s also been in Law & Order, The Good Wife, Justice League and more. I like him, but I’m #TeamAiden. If Chris Noth were a cocktail he’d be a martini – strong, sophisticated, and a little in-your-face (especially if a Real Housewife is holding one).

Chris Pine - 6/10

Chris Pine is best known for his roles in Star Trek, Wonder Woman, Horrible Bosses, and in my dreams between 2004-2006. I originally rated Chris Pine higher on the Chris scale, then realized I thought he was Chris Evans because now all the Chris’ are melting together. If Chris PINE were a cocktail he’d be a Negroni – great, but often forgotten about.

Chris Hemsworth - 7/10

The Hemsworth brothers are some of the most aesthetically pleasing people I’ve ever seen, but it isn’t beauty alone that makes the best Chris. Chris Hemsworth is best known as playing Thor, but he’s also been in Ghostbusters and Snow White and the Huntsman. If Chris Hemsworth were a cocktail, he’d be a Moscow mule – looks cool, but a little overhyped.

Chris Evans - 8/10

Chris Evans is best known for his role as Captain America (why are ALL Chris’ superheroes?). He was also in The Nanny Diaries, The Fantastic Four, and Not Another Teen Movie. He posts a lot of dog photos, is socially conscious, and occasionally tweets funny stuff. If Chris Evans were a cocktail, he’d be a Caesar - you think it’d be gross, but it’s not, and sometimes you just need one.

Chris Rock - 9/10

Chris Rock is one of the most famous stand-up comedians and also an actor, writer, producer, director and very rich guy. Comedians like Trevor Noah, Dave Chappelle and Kevin Hart have claimed Chris Rock as one of their biggest influences. If Chris Rock were a cocktail, he’d be a beer – classic, always performs well, but will explode if shaken.

Chris Pratt - 10/10

Chris Pratt played Andy Dwyer in Parks and Recreation and seems very Andy Dwyer-like in person. He’s funny, he’s likeable, but he also got really hot and followed the traditional Chris path of becoming a superhero. Chris was in Guardians of the Galaxy, Jurassic World, Avengers, and the Lego movies. He was married to the hilarious Anna Farris and is now engaged to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s daughter. If Chris Pratt were a cocktail, he’d be orange juice, because you don’t need booze to have fun and it goes with everything.

There you have it, the question no one asked has been answered, the best Chris is Chris Pratt.

Keely Turner takes a look at pop culture through the eyes of an Island girl with a big city attitude. She's also a pretty rad entrepreneur, marketing specialist and writer. Her column, Keelywood, will appear monthly in The Guardian. Reach out to her by email at keelymturner@gmail.com or on Instagram, Twitter or Snapchat. Search for Keely Turner.

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