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KEELYWOOD: Great expectations - Amy Schumer, Meghan Markle among current notables to give birth

Meghan and Harry with their baby boy.
-THE ROYAL FAMILY
Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, shown prior to welcoming their baby boy, Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor, on May 6, have opted to announce his arrival on Instagram. - Reuters

Famous people are fertile – or have a lot of money to become fertile.

It seems like everyone in Hollywood is currently rocking maternity jeans – and not just for the comfort of an elastic waistband.

Amy Schumer announced her pregnancy back in October and went on to produce a Netflix special while dealing with hyperemesis gravidarum (severe nausea throughout the entire pregnancy). But it’s cool if I just eat Twizzlers and watch “Real Housewives” during my future pregnancy, right?

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry welcomed a baby boy on Monday, May 6. They’ve opted to announce their arrival on Instagram instead of the traditional royal photo-op on the front steps of the hospital, mere hours after child birth. You mean Meghan wasn’t thrilled by the concept of slipping on a pair of heels and striking a pose following the most painful and exhausting female experience of life? To each their own.

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are the couple I would most like to invite to a game night, but they’re also expecting their third baby. Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West are expecting their fourth child via surrogate.

Former Olympians Shawn Johnson and Michael Phelps are expecting babies with their respective partners. I love that I keep saying “expecting a baby” like maybe they’d be expecting something else – a parakeet, a hamburger or just a really thoughtful compliment. Honestly, I’d appreciate all three of those things right now.

The Hills” star Lauren Conrad is pregnant with her second baby. Former “Bachelor star Arie Luyendyk and his wife, Lauren Burnham, will welcome a baby girl in June. Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is pregnant with her third child and I’m sure there’s a Duggar pregnant somewhere!

I hope to become a pregnant celebrity someday soon, but first I have to get famous and, second, I have to get over my giant fear of having a baby. Here are my main fears:

  1. What if my baby’s astrological sign isn’t compatible with mine? I never read horoscopes or know what phase the moon is in, but what if my baby is a Gemini?!
  2. My sister-in-law is pregnant with her second child and she knows all of the “Paw Patrol” characters and none of “The Bachelor” contestants – this concerns me.
  3. It took me two years to achieve one ab and I’m supposed to just say good-bye to it?
  4. I currently have nothing in my stomach except a breakfast sandwich and already it’s my least favourite place to be touched.
  5. I don’t even handle gas pains well, so what does that say about my pain tolerance for child birth?
  6. Every single serial killer has a mom.

Regardless of my own personal neurosis, congratulations to all of the expecting celebrities. And I guess congratulations to all of you normal people who are pregnant, too.

Keely Turner takes a look at pop culture through the eyes of an Island girl with a big city attitude. She's also a pretty rad entrepreneur, marketing specialist and writer. Her column, Keelywood, will appear monthly in The Guardian. Reach out to her by email at keelymturner@gmail.com or on Instagram, Twitter or Snapchat. Search for Keely Turner.

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1 being least likely, and 10 being most likely

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