There's an opportunity to change the narrative around violence against women, and it starts close to home.
Instead of focusing on how women should protect themselves and be on high alert, it's time to think about prevention, says Rhonda Lemire, executive director of Second Story Women's Centre in Lunenburg, N.S.
“We need to change culture and media plays such a big part in this. Be the change,” says Lemire.
Addressing the issue with boys and girls as they grow up is key to changing society in the future.
Why do we blame women?
According to Danya O'Malley, executive director of the PEI Family Violence Prevention Services, a victim-blaming attitude is one of the biggest challenges that must be overcome.
“It’s less overwhelming for people to believe that victims somehow brought this on themselves and that if people just acted safely enough, we’d have no abuse,” says O'Malley.
There’s also a lingering belief that men can’t or won’t change, so the onus is on women to adapt, she says.
"It is the nature of privilege to expect those with less status or power to serve you and solve your problems," explains Bruce Dienes, a consultant and instructor of courses on masculinities and gender in the departments of psychology, sociology, and women’s studies at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, N.S.
The truth is that gender-based violence impacts all levels of community service, says Heather Elliott, project coordinator with Planned Parenthood in St. John’s, N.L. She’s currently overseeing a community engagement initiative to help inform the federal government’s National Action Plan on addressing and eliminating gender-based violence.
It's also important to remember gender-based violence doesn’t just impact women. Elliot says any organization dealing directly with people from a gender minority should be concerned about gender-based violence and the negative impacts it has on individuals and our community.
Dienes agrees, adding that gender-based violence goes beyond the male-female binary. Violence against people who do not fit into or conform to the binary world is many times more prevalent, and there is often little support for dealing with it, he says.
When working to prevent violence, O’Malley says it's important to focus on everyone, not just boys and men.
While males may be more likely to commit certain acts, like sexual assault, O'Malley points out there are many incidents where girls have been instigators in horrendous acts of physical and emotional bullying that have led to people committing suicide.
Early prevention key
It's never too early to start working to prevent gender-based violence, and the approach is the same for girls as it is for boys, says Becky Keating, a registered clinical-developmental psychologist based in New Minas, N.S. who works primarily with children and youth.
“The goal is to raise respectful humans; those who can respect others while also respecting themselves,” says Keating.
The key focus is having children develop open and honest assertive communication while adopting collaborative problem-solving approaches where they respect themselves and others.
Education needs to focus on consent, healthy relationships, and boundaries, says Elliot.
"It’s important to encourage an independence around their bodies and choices they make," says Elliot. "Consent is not strictly sexual."
Start by teaching kids that it’s OK to say no in any situation. You don’t want to hug Nan today? That’s OK. You don’t want that person to poke you? Tell them, it’s OK.
"By establishing their own boundaries, our children learn to respect the boundaries of others as well," she says.
Saying no
Society has been teaching kids it’s not OK to say "no", says Keating.
Often, "no" is inappropriately viewed as disrespectful and is disciplined, as opposed to recognizing it as an opportunity to identify a problem that can be collaboratively worked on so both people's concerns are addressed and an acceptable solution is reached.
Adults can help as well by modeling appropriate physical affection, says Keating, such as asking for permission before touching others: "Can I give you a hug?" or "Would you like a back rub?"
It’s also important to move beyond the ‘no means no’ conversation, says O’Malley. There is now an understanding that there can be a coerced 'yes' and this is not truly a yes.
Other important things to learn include how to identify toxic or problematic behaviours in friendships and relationships, says Elliot. Teach kids what healthy friendships look like and have discussions about how they should treat someone and, in return, how they should be treated.
“We need to teach from a lens of kindness and compassion, as it changes how kids see their interactions - how an act of kindness impacts someone, rather than how they hurt someone if they bully them,” says Elliot.
How to react
It’s important to teach people exactly how to respond when they see something happening to another person or experience it themselves, says O’Malley.
She believes people do want to act; they often just don’t know how to do so. If adults find it hard, kids are also going to struggle, she says.
Part of this is to teach kids to trust their instincts, says Keating. If something feels wrong, kids need to know it's OK to stand up assertively for themselves and others or to reach out for help from a trusted adult.
"Kids need to learn that doing what is right by others is more important in the moment than how others may react or think of you afterward," says Keating.
Children, and especially youth, may worry about what their peers think and any negative fall out from choices, but such issues can usually be worked out later, she says.
"Reassure kids that you will always be there to help them navigate any negative fallout that may occur."
At the end of the day, kids want to be proud of their choices too, says Keating.
Teaching our boys
Dienes worked on a two-year project funded by the then Status of Women Canada to engage men and boys in ending violence against women and girls. The project was done jointly by Chrysalis House in Kentville, N.S. and Juniper House in Yarmouth, N.S.
"We needed to rethink how to engage men and move away from older models that resorted to 'blame and shame,'" he says.
Dienes developed a four-stage model, which he says worked well from fifth graders to senior men. The premise is that there are four questions we need to answer to move men into action, which connect with sensitization, motivation, empowerment, and sustainability.
O’Malley says we cannot give boys a ‘pass’ if they act in a way that isn’t socially responsible - something that's being challenged more now than we used to, she says.
“You may have grown up in a time in the 1980s, where if a girl complained that a boy hit her, made fun of her, or was mean to her, the adults would say that must mean that he likes you. What a message,” she says.
Elliot says it's also crucial to teach young boys that it's OK to feel, cry and be vulnerable.
“Often, it’s the refusal to acknowledge that boys and men have feelings and should express them that manifests in aggressive, problematic behaviour,” says Elliot.
Like what Dienes has been doing, investments are being made in men who harm, with the hopes that better skills, insight, and education will help them change the behaviour, says O’Malley.
"We also have a more complex view of men who harm, with a deeper appreciation of the trauma histories that lead to behaviour like this," says O'Malley.
Role models are key to social transformation, adds Dienes.
These role models include family, teachers, peers, sports figures, politicians, and media like film, video games, Tik Tok, and more, he says.
“The more we can get out into the world the idea that men have a wide range of choices about how they can be ‘masculine’ the more men will feel safe and excited about exploring who they really want to be,” says Dienes.
He believes men have been conditioned by our culture to behave in ways that can be demeaning or limiting to women.
"As we educate men as to how they have been conditioned, without their knowledge or consent, to act in certain ways towards women, we help them reclaim their choices about how to behave. The more people that we have who support this change, the faster we will see change," he says.
Society's long-held social "rules" by gender contribute to the problem, adds Keating.
"We need to stop reinforcing gender stereotypes from an early age where men are, by default, in control, and women, by default, are the peacekeepers, ensuring others are happy is more important than respecting their own rights/wants/needs," she says.
What we are doing now to prevent violence may not be perfect, says Elliot, but we need to start somewhere.
Helping men act to prevent gender violence
Bruce Dienes, a consultant and professor of several courses on masculinities and gender in the departments of psychology, sociology, and women’s studies at Mount Saint Vincent University, Halifax, N.S. has developed a four-stage model to help move men into action to prevent gender-based violence.
What are the issues? Men often have no clue about the reality of women’s lives or men’s impact on them, says Dienes.
What does this have to do with me? We need to show how toxic gender roles are harmful to men also, and that men need to be involved in changing this culture.
What can I do? This encompasses feeling you could have no impact, to the specific need for training, and ideas as to how to have this impact.
Who will help? If a man tries to butt up against the masculine culture alone, they will soon burn out. There is a need for networking and support, especially from other men.
One main source for exercises to lead men through these four stages was the Man-to-Man resource book produced by the Fredericton Sexual Assault Crisis Center, says Dienes.
