Q:
I’m man who has been having slowly worsening health for no explanation. It has led me to think about whether my wife could be poisoning me.
I was taking benzodiazepines for many years at high doses for a panic disorder and finally got treatment to get off them.
I went through post-acute-withdrawal syndrome (PAWS) for 26 months and started to feel better. Then, about two years after PAWS, I started to have symptoms like panic episodes.
I had many doctor-ordered tests which always came out negative.
About six months ago, I was having episodes where my blood pressure would go really high (242/149).
I was put on two types of blood pressure medicines, which helped, but I would have other symptoms that made me were very uncomfortable: cold spells (chills), nausea, diarrhea, light headedness, peripheral vision issues, hair falling out, lethargy, shakes and feeling like I was being drugged.
My relationship with my wife is and has been strained for some time. I believe that she feels her needs are not being met as a result of my health concerns.
I’ve been paying for a life insurance policy that will pay her $500K in the event of my death. That policy expires at age 70. I’m now 62.
I could be mistaken here in my wonderings, but what if...?
All tests from the doctors come back negative, but I’ve not been asking them to test for poisoning.
What are your thoughts?
- Concerned Husband
A:
Anyone who believes that his or her spouse is not only capable of administering poison but would actually do so to gain the funds from an insurance policy needs to proceed cautiously and check out certain facts.
You’ve seen enough doctors, had enough tests and suffered enough ongoing symptoms to pursue the question that, at its most innocent, could be spiking your panic attacks.
Return to the main physician overseeing your case and ask for tests which cover the possibility of poison being involved, whether through unknown drug interactions or by purposeful intent.
Also, according to an article in the Journal of Clinical Medicine, benzodiazepines, some of the most commonly prescribed medications in the world, are “sedative-hypnotics (that) can provide rapid relief for symptoms like anxiety and insomnia but are also linked to a variety of adverse effects (whether used long-term, short-term or as needed)”.
Moreover, “Many patients take benzodiazepines long-term without ever receiving evidence-based first-line treatments (e.g., psychotherapy, relaxation techniques and sleep hygiene education”.
In other words, your symptoms and reactions may have nothing to do with your speculations about your wife’s intentions.
Also, consider talking to your lawyer about your life insurance policy and whether it’s possible to make a change to it that would help eliminate your concerns regarding her.
If you do find any evidence of intentional harm, take it directly to the police.
Reader’s commentary regarding counselling: Your suggestions to seek counselling often meet with resistance from those new to it. I’d like to tell people that when it sounds scary it’s only at the beginning.
After you start learning the dynamics of your own stuck places and some behaviour changes to move forward, your life can readily become interesting, comfortable and enjoyable once more.
Good professional assistance is like a helpful manual to an improved and happier life. It’s guidance to making necessary shifts with supportive patience for moving through bad habits and essential changes.
Feedback regarding the husband exhausted after work, wanting to relax with the kids, eat dinner, watch TV and go to sleep (Feb. 11):
Reader: His “wants” don’t include dealing with breakfast dishes that are probably still waiting at the end of the workday, making that dinner, clearing up afterwards, bathing the kids, maybe folding some laundry.
Then the weekends: grocery shopping, vacuuming, changing beds, etc. She’s likely just as tired after work, and rather than doing his share or even noticing why she might be reacting he wants to go to bed.
Counselling may deal with their private time as a couple, but I doubt that’s her top priority.
Ellie: Since he agreed to counselling, that’s the arena where the two together will get feedback on what’s fair in this relationship and what isn’t (obvious facts you mention) plus what’s needed to be equal partners which includes sharing tasks.
Ellie’s tip of the day:
- With uncertainty and fear leading to suspicion about possibly being poisoned by your spouse, check the scientific facts available in already doctor-reviewed medical tests.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Send relationship questions to [email protected]. Follow @ellieadvice.
