I heard you talk recently about people who like to dump their crap on others, like a dump truck full of manure releasing its contents all over us. I have a few dump trucks in my life, how do I deal with them?
Jenny
Firstly, let’s try to have compassion for people who dump their stuff on others. After all, most of the time people become this way because they’re in pain. Keeping this in mind, you can proceed with kindness and understanding. That said, if you want to improve your quality of life, you’ll have to learn to let go when the tendency to take on the negativity arises. When their rant is not met with support or defense, they will learn that you’re not a willing recipient. Imagine that these people are offering you a gift. If the gift was in physical form, like a shovel full of manure, you’d be pretty quick to decline it, right? You can do the same with their words, by declining the invitation to absorb their negativity or abuse.
I’ve noticed that many people use their friends and colleagues as therapists, coming to them with their life problems in the hope of relieving some of their pain. But unless you are a counselling therapist or a psychologist, you likely won’t have the tools to effectively solve their issues, and it’s not your responsibility to solve your friend’s problems anyway. Sure, you can lend a listening ear but if every conversation is based around a problem, you might want to encourage them to seek professional help in order to receive skilled guidance in the matter.
Finally, I invite you to ask yourself if the relationship is worth sustaining. If you’re constantly being dumped on and you can smell the crap coming every time you get together, why not take a break or decrease the frequency of your visits? If you feel lighter and more inspired without them in your life, this may be an indication that the relationship has run its course. This will open doors for new opportunities to create more positive relationships that smell less like manure and more like flowers. You’re worth it, good luck.
Blair
I see this pattern a lot in my counselling practice, where people don’t realize they can step out of the way. Instead, they stand there with arms outstretched and allow the manure to pour right over them. I invite you to reflect on your past to identify when this pattern started by asking yourself, ‘Why do I allow myself to be a dumping ground for others?’ and ‘Who taught me that I didn’t have the right to say no to negativity?’ Once you identify the origin of the cycle of disempowerment, you can forgive yourself for tolerating such treatment and make changes that improve your life.
The following are three steps you can take to change this toxic pattern:
1. Your first step is to develop self-love. Take a moment to think of yourself as a vulnerable, little child. You wouldn’t want yourself at five years of age to accept this negativity, correct? The same holds true for yourself right now, so starting today, do things that demonstrate kindness to yourself. Over time, the more you think of yourself as a worthy receiver of goodness and love, the less tolerance you’ll have for the toxic treatment of others.
2. Next step is to reframe our minds around what social engagement looks like and feels like. If you continue to allow toxic conversations into your life, then you have categorized them as normal. Instead of accepting people’s blame and negativity, you can construct an image of how you want to feel in relationships. Raise the bar by visualizing yourself in healthy relationships that help you to feel about yourself. Then, when you’re around the dysfunction, it will no longer be acceptable to you. There are therapists who work specifically in this area, should you wish to pursue this with support.
3. Finally, awareness is an incredible gift that can transform everything. The next time you find yourself with arms outstretched, receiving someone’s toxic waste, you can use your awareness to notice what you’re doing and choose to walk away from the negativity.
Have a question for Jenny and Blair? Send all inquiries to [email protected].
