I’m a done with pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m 39, married to a wonderful woman with two incredible children. There are no issues in our relationship, other than the fact that I suspect I’m gay. I know that times have changed but I still hear the derogatory jokes and comments about homosexuals. Do I put myself in the line of fire and admit who I really am, or do I continue living this lie? How will my choices affect my children?
Jenny
Thank you for courageously writing in about this. Please know you’re not alone, as there are many people who have grappled with the same conundrum and have come out thriving on the other side. In fact, over four people in the last few years who have gone through our Awakenings yoga training program discovered throughout the journey they’re homosexual.
I’m sorry that you didn’t feel safe enough to honour your true self earlier in life. I’m also sorry that you’re still hearing depreciating comments from people in your community; it’s a reminder to all of us to be more careful with our words.
What I’m hearing is that your big question is whether to stay and live out your situation or leave and explore your hunch. Whatever option you choose, let’s make your personal integrity your top priority. Shame is one of the most corrosive emotions and straying outside of your marriage is a sure way to subject yourself to feeling shameful. That said, if you can come to clarity on your sexual orientation without exploring first, you’ll be setting yourself up for the most self-loving and amicable situation.
I contacted a friend whose dad left the family when she was a teen in order to pursue a life with a man. Her experience was very traumatic because there was lying, and adultery stirred into the mix and the situation was painful enough on its own. It’s 25 years later and the wounds are still being processed and healed.
On the flip side of the coin, she is proud of her dad for choosing to be himself by accepting his true colours. She said, “I’m really not sure where he’d be today if he hadn’t, probably severely depressed or even suicidal I’m sure.” She also said that his choice sent a powerful message to her and her siblings about the importance of living authentically.
This is your decision and your decision only. Just like any move in life, it’s best done with a strategic plan that considers all possible outcomes and the needs of everyone involved. If you do take the leap and get real with yourself, you’ll need the support of good friends to keep you grounded in love and a self-care routine to keep you mentally balanced.
Blair
Thank you for your honesty. Whether you come out or not is entirely your decision. One hopefully one that will be made after researching and seeking counsel on the best course of action for moving forward. As always, I suggest you seek out professional support to examine what route is best for all and when.
Sometimes when we’re lacking fulfillment in our lives, this lack can become all-consuming and cloud our reasonable judgment. That said, I encourage you assume a mindfulness practice that helps you to drop into the here and now and anchors you in rational thought.
Your mindfulness practice will help you to become as clear as possible about your situation before announcing anything to anyone. You must prepare yourself for a variety of strong reactions, as your wife especially may be shocked and outraged. On the other hand, she may not be surprised at all and may feel relieved that it’s finally out.
Given our friend's advise above, the key is to methodically craft a plan, one that considers every family members' needs. Your wife is the first person to tell, then if possible, the two of you together should break the news to the children. This may take some time before you bring the children up to speed on your state of affairs.
You will all need a support group or a therapist and if divorce is inevitable, your children will need help dealing with both the break-up of the family and your homosexuality. I encourage you to reach out to the LGBTQ+ support groups that exist in your area and gay.hfxns.org has many links to different resources. Above all, know that you are worthy of love and deserving of respect.
Have a question for Jenny and Blair? All inquiries send to [email protected], all questions are confidential.
