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LETTER: The Political Brain

Letter to the Editor
Letter to the Editor

Now that election 2019 has been called, it’s time to think about how our sensitive, easily influenced brains will react to being bombarded by continuous daily messages from political parties and politicians over a four week blitz.

That’s an unhealthy long time for anyone’s brain to be exposed to the babbling passions of copious, politically aspiring windbaggers. Old time Newfoundland garden cellars would have been the ideal place to hide from those who are now far too willing to mortgage the future for present power and self-serving party ideals.

So, how do we protect ourselves from the bafflegab that will be unleashed by the aforementioned political parties and their caucus sidekicks during this campaign blitz?

How much can an average non-political brain endure compared to that of a political brain during an extended political baloney storm?

Intriguing, isn’t it?

First, a simple definition of how a political brain may function. A political brain is one which, when asked, will sit and do hundreds of political surveys a week on political questions that don’t have any relevance to lowering our massive provincial debt. It’s ecstasy for them. It’s, so to speak, their drug of choice.

A political brain is one that is embedded in a head which loves everything about politics, yes, loves politicians. Imagine? They enjoy talking with them about everything political; discussing it, cursing at it, watching it on TV, posting everything political to the masses on Facebook, texting about it, reading endless articles about it and, they especially love playing political games like “Backbencher,” “Cabinet Minister Shuffle,” and the very popular “Premier for a Day,” any of which could become quite feisty and nasty during a hot-headed game, or a pot-headed game. In Newfoundland and Labrador combatants have been known to lose a few strands of hair, an eyelash or two, or the skin of a few knuckles when sides get viciously out of control. It’s like the Stanley Cup of provincial politics — winner takes all.

The non-political brain is, simply, everyone else.

They are the vast majority. For the most part, they’re just not too interested in politics; it’s a necessary evil. Their body language says, “Leave me alone, I have better things to do.”

The non-political brain enjoys stress-free living while indulging in the more mundane pleasures of life like lying on a sandy beach happily getting sunburned, while drinking beer and frosted raspberry pina coladas and/or daiquiris, or both.

The political brain is unique in that it will survive no matter what political ideology it consumes. The political brain is one that will watch any number of news networks for hours, and still, it isn’t enough.

The non-political brain will only take watching, listening to or playing political mindgames for a brief period each day — an hour may be stretching it. Any more than that will lead to adverse effects whereby the non-political brain could collapse and shut down.

If this unfortunate circumstance should happen to any loved one in one’s family be ready to resuscitate said brain with hours of senseless, time-wasting reality shows. This remedy guarantees that a loved one will successfully recover and may avoid the unsettling effects of full blown politicosis of the brain.

The political brain, too, has its limitations. When it reaches full politicosis capacity, it will send streams of politicosis feculence in all directions. Be alert at this very critical time. Never touch an exploded political brain, sniff its feculence or step in it.

Once contaminated, one may as well live alone and far away from human kind. In such cases, the Funk Islands or abandoned islands are highly recommended. Persons confined to such locations are said to reek so disgustingly that even political rats will have nothing to do with them.

It is not known, however, whether a political brain would ever implode on itself, although there has been an occasional political meltdown or two in recent times.

Political scientists are quite interested in studying political implosion and are looking for willing political brains to test their hypothesis after the current election is over.

Confidentiality is guaranteed, if the subject implodes.

P.J. Dwyer


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Newfoundland and Labrador provincial election set for May 16

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