“Dad, I think I was being bullied tonight. There were a bunch of boys there asking me to do things … like asking me to dance, and I know they were making fun of me. I showed them a drawing I was doing. One boy liked it, but the others made fun.”
That’s hard for any father to hear, but image how I felt: my daughter is 18 and has Down syndrome. Her heart tells her that everyone is good, but this time she recognized that kids can be cruel. Being a very balanced and optimistic young lady, she was even reluctant to say that she was being mistreated.
My question to her was this: how did all of that make you feel?
Her response was that she was glad one of the young boys liked her picture, but sad that the others were being mean.
For parents, where to go from here is an important question.
On the surface I was mad as hell, but didn’t let that spill out as it would only make my daughter feel worse. While this was happening, my other daughter, age 12, and I, were less than 20 yards away in an advanced traditional karate class, where we teach kids that how you react to a situation is more important than the situation itself.
It isn’t about turning the other cheek. It’s about not letting the bully or attacker steal your joy. Easier said than done, but it is a vital skill for youth.
I carried on talking to my daughter. “Do you think you’re a good dancer? And do you think your drawings are beautiful?”
She cheerfully said yes to both, and we went on to discuss not letting anyone outside yourself steal your happiness — or, as my kids say it, “affect your inner light.”
Bullying and aggression come in all sorts of forms, and we’re doing a lot to try and discourage the behaviour. But are we teaching kids that the only opinion of them that really matters is their own?
I remind my girls that what someone says or does to you immediately finds itself in the past. Now you have to decide if you’re going to dwell on it, or are you going to see if there is something to learn from it and apply your energy to better things.
I told my daughter that it was OK to feel hurt and disappointed by those other kids. She had a right to be, but I also reminded her to look ahead and not behind.
“Bullies come and go like dark clouds. Don’t stay in the rain by wasting your thoughts on those who are negatively looking for attention.”
Bullies are ordinary kids making bad choices for the wrong reasons.
Aggressors can make you feel bad, but they can only make you continue to feel like a victim if you let it happen. That sounds simple, we need to get that message across to our kids.
Love the way you dance and don’t be bothered if someone else doesn’t. Love your art and don’t be bothered if others don’t get it. Sing and play in a way that makes you happy, and let others laugh, poke fun… or join in!
A second teaching point around this scenario was to talk to my daughter about situational awareness. As soon as she was suspicious of the boys’ activity, she should have come and sat nearer to us, or to other people that made her more comfortable. Finding people that are more positive is easy; most of this world is made up of good people. Keep in the company of those who lift you up.
I’m no expert parent, and I know that I will have a lot more bullies (and associated heartbreak) to deal with. But one message I believe in — and will always believe in — is that life is all about how you react to what has already happened to you.
Motivational author Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “Don’t spend another second trying to change something that has already happened.”
Sorry, bully, life is too good to hang around under your dark skies.
Jeff Hutchings,
Conception Bay South
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